


happy endings are hardest to fake

by ladybugwarrior



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brock Rumlow is a dick, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sam is also a good bro, Stucky Big Bang 2016, musician!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-09 01:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7781530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybugwarrior/pseuds/ladybugwarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers plays cello for one of the top orchestra’s in New York. Life has been pretty normal since his honorable discharge from the army two years before. He goes to rehearsal, he goes to the Howling Commandos Bar and Grill, he sleeps, he repeats. At least thats until the orchestra gets a concert pianist from Russia to headline their next concert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The song the title is based on is End Credits by EDEN. It's a great song I highly recommend listening to it I just changed the title of the fic today to match the song because it fit so well.

“Alright, good rehearsal everyone.” The New York Symphony Director Nick Fury gave a rare compliment as he packed away his scores into the leather briefcase never far from his side. “Let’s give another round of applause for our guest, James Barnes!”

Steve clapped his hands together vigorously. The concert pianist that Fury had brought in had caught Steve’s attention from the moment he seemed to float in. Wearing that black button up with black jeans that hugged all the right curves. When he heard James play it was like the sound a full moon on a spring night with only a slight chill in the air. Steve had left his playing to muscle memory as most of the rehearsal was spent admiring the pure passion James played with as the music infected him through his hands and coursed throughout his body. It was no wonder why he was so world renowned for his craft.

James’ smile was shy as he awkwardly waved and gave a small bow in thanks. He spoke in a mixed accent. “Thank you for having me.”

The rehearsal convened and one by one musicians left the concert hall until it was only Steve, who was being purposefully slow in putting his away his cello and sheet music away, and James who had just finished a conversation with the Director and was now packing away his things. Steve kicked himself in gear and went over to the grand piano to speak with James Barnes.

He approached, unnoticed by James as he was too involved looking at a small, beaten spiral notebook.

“You play beautifully.” Steve blurted out before he had to opportunity to walk away; somewhere Sam, his best or only friend, was punching the air in joy at the small social interaction.

James started, caught off guard. “What?” He asked before his mind seemed to catch up with what was said to him. “Oh, sorry, I’m still jetlagged. But, honestly, thank you it means a lot.”

“Don’t worry about it, and no problem you're playing was amazing.” He held out his hand. “My name is Steve Rogers.”

He accepted it. “Bucky.”

Steve raised an eyebrow at the unexpected title he was given. “If you don’t mind me asking. How the hell do you pull Bucky out of James Barnes?”

“My middle name's Buchanan.” Bucky smirked which made Steve a little weak kneed. “Even with that it took a lot of creativity and determination.”

“I’d bet.” Damn it, Steve ran out of places to go with the conversation. Think man. “Where are you from? I can’t place your accent.” Not the worse place to go, he congratulates himself with a mental pat on the back.

“I’ve been living in Russia for the past twelve years, but I’m Brooklyn born and raised. My accent must have gotten a little mixed over the years.”

Steve did a quick guess and calculation and estimated that Bucky would have been around sixteen when he left the country. The Brooklyn part was also interesting.

“So was I, funny enough. How come I never saw you around.” Brooklyn wasn’t a small place by any means, but he is sure that he would have noticed Bucky; no matter how closeted he was.

“I was homeschooled and didn’t get out much. My dad was pretty protective of me.” There was a flash of something behind his eyes that Steve couldn’t decipher, but it didn’t seem good.

Deciding to gently prod for more information Steve said. “You don’t seem like you need protecting.”

“Maybe I did.” Bucky looked serious for a moment then fell into a fit of laughing. “You can’t expect me to tell you my entire life story, we just met.”

He nodded, seemingly defeated he picked up his coat and threw his cello case over his shoulders. “Well then, grab your coat.” Bucky didn’t make a move, he was confused. “I’m not a very patient person, and you waved a mystery in my face. I have to pursue it”

Setting his elbows on the closed lid of the grand infront of him, leaning over the piano giving Steve a flirtatious grin.“Am I such a mystery to you?”

The man across him in a piano was a mystery to Steve. Not for some unknown past that lit off a few alarms in Steve’s mind, no, there was something else. Behind those sparkling blue eyes that held all the sky and the water in this world and the next there was pain. Underneath that radiant smile there was something slight yet loud if one were to look for it. It was the face of someone hidden so deep in their own shell that they are beginning to be unraveled.

“I think you know the answer to that.”

Bucky smiled and Steve knew he got the right answer. The pianist grabbed his jacket and bulging folder filled with sheet music. “Where are we going.”

“Somewhere special.”

* * *

 

The Howling Commando’s was a bar not far from the concert hall. The atmosphere calm and friendly with their soft lights and low jazz music playing in the background. Dum Dum Dugan, the owner and bartender on the weekends, greeted them with a large smile.

“Rogers, I was beginning to wonder if you were cheating on me with those assholes at Hydra.”

Steve put on an expression of mock offense. “How could you even think I would get my drinks at that disgrace of a bar?” He led his companion to a both to a booth in the back corner, right next to the emergency exit.

“You want your usual?” Dum Dum didn’t even wait for a conformation before he was pouring a pint of beer into a sparkling glass. “What about your friend?”

“I’ll just have a water.” Bucky orders shyly; he sat down across from Steve who gave him a confused look. “I don’t drink.”

Steve kicked himself mentally. “I’m so sorry, I should have asked. We can go if you want to.”

“It’s fine, I’ve been to bars with friends. Besides, I’m starved.” He grabbed one of the menus left at the table with the centerpiece. His eyes lit up. “Bacon double-cheeseburger! Do you know how hard it is to find one of those in Russia?”

“No clue.”

“It’s not really, but a Russian bacon double-cheeseburger just isn’t the same as a New York bacon double-cheeseburger. There’s a certain magic to it that the world just hasn’t been able to master. That’s not just me talking out of my ass; I’ve been around the world and nothing has come close.”

“What is that like?” Steve had only been out of country once; but he wouldn’t call active deployment the same as travelling the world as a pianist.

Bucky gave it a little thought, staring at the table. After a moment his crystal blue eyes met Steve’s. “Lonely, I’ve been to ten different countries in the past few years and you are the first person to talk to me like a human being instead of a performer.”

“That is their loss then.” 

Taken back, Bucky blinked at Steve completely unsure of how to react. “That’s a sweet thing to say to someone you just met half an hour ago.”

“I’ve been told I’m an excellent judge of character.” Pepper Potts, business manager for the orchestra, her husband Tony Stark had called him ‘a radar for people made of puppies and rainbows.’ In reality Steve just looked for the best in people and they usually showed it.

Bucky gave him an odd look he couldn’t quite decipher, and he could ask Dum Dum walked over with their drinks. “I already know what you want Rogers so no point telling me.” He turned his attention towards Bucky. “What can I get you son?”

“A bacon double-cheeseburger, thanks.” He offered a small smile to the bartender as he left to go put the order through the kitchen. “So what is it about this place that makes it so special? Don’t get me wrong it’s a nice bar, but what makes it so special for you.”

Shrugging, Steve leaned back in the booth taking in the whole bar from the water stained floor all the way to the flickering light over the worn pool table. “Honestly, this place is kind of a dump, but the people here are the real New Yorkers. They are the people who work hard for their money and spend their nights here with their friends or spouses and have a good time just being near them. Why are you smiling like that?”

Bucky was smiling broadly and had been for half of Steve’s answer. “It’s nothing, just, god, you are such a romantic. I didn’t think people like that existed anymore.”

“We’re a dying breed.” He took a sip from his beer to calm his nerves; this was the first time he had been this nervous about anything in a long time. “So how long are you going to be in New York?”

“Six months, maybe longer. My sister lives in the city and I haven’t seen her in years. She was in college when I moved to Russia so she stayed in America. Last I saw her was on my twentieth birthday five years ago.”

“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”

Bucky nodded looking down for a moment; he then looked up at Steve with the curious glow his eyes had maintained since Steve first saw him. “I’m just excited to see her now. It’s fun catching up with her. An added plus is that this is the last stop on my tour so I can stay as long as I want.”

“So you’re staying with her then?” He asked while trying to calm the fireworks in his mind celebrating the chance to get to know Bucky in the next six months. Because not only was he probably the most attractive human being in existence, but he was optimistic and sweet.

“I would, but she lives deep in the city and I don’t do well with subways. No, I’m renting an apartment not far from here. Which is actually pretty exciting for me, this being the first time I’ve had my own place.”

“Really?” Steve asked. By his estimates Bucky was about twenty-five so having a place of his own wouldn’t be unreasonable. Besides he was more than successful enough to afford a place of his own.

“Well I’m on tour a lot so it didn’t really make sense to buy an apartment or something when I would barely be there. But I’m taking a little break now, so, I got a lease for half a year.” As well as Bucky was able to hide his childlike excitement, it was still prominent in Bucky’s eyes. 

This joy was so different than anything Steve had ever witnessed before, even if it was contained in the eyes. It was like Bucky was discovering the world around him for the first time in his life. The sense of wonder he saw hidden in the man sitting across from him was a quality lost in most of the seasoned New Yorkers. Part of Steve almost didn’t want Bucky to live in New York if that meant the spark in his eyes loses any bit of their light.

“I’ve been talking about myself for a while now; I want to know about you.”

“The point of this dinner was to talk about you.” Steve reminded. “You’re my enigma, remember?” He got a pointed look and recognized the lost. “What do you want to know?”

“Why do you always sit next to an exit?.” Steve swallowed and tried to play dumb, but Nat always said he was an open book. “I saw you playing today. You should be the first chair, but instead you’re in the back. You couldn’t be closer to the exit unless you were outside. Even now we’re right next to the door.”

“I was in the army, things happened. Let’s just say I picked up some habits that aren’t easily shaken.” Bucky motioned for him to continue. “You can’t expect me to dump that shit on you today. That’s like fifth date material at least.”

“I guess that means I have four more to go.”

“Does that mean this is a date?”

“You’re more innocent than I thought if you didn’t know that by now.” He leaned back and looked Steve up and down. “I’m really good at reading people though, so I doubt I could get you that wrong.”

If Steve’s attraction towards Bucky was ever in question it definitely wasn’t anymore. “You aren’t as mysterious as you think you are either.”

A single eyebrow quirked. “Oh, I’m not?”

He shook his head. “Nope, you have this spark in you that I can see as clear day. Behind all the other shit that may have dampened it that spark is there, clear as day.”

Bucky kept a well measured expression, but the shock of Steve’s words was visible. The carefully created wall that he had created was still up, all but taken down. A little window into Bucky’s mind. He leaned in and looked Steve in the eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Steve leaned in as well, holding eye contact. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

They were thrown in a silence, not anything awkward, but observant, watchful. Ones eyes bore into the others soul like they had been long lost lovers. 

James saw the eyes of a man with a compressed, heavy guilt covered in a genuine kindness. He couldn’t see the war that still waged in his mind, or the things that had happened to get him there. The loss, and the love that filled every cell of him.

Steve saw the eyes of his enigma, mysterious yet so obvious. But as Bucky was blind to his internal war, Steve was no better. There was no war in Bucky’s mind in a literal sense but something else just as powerful.

“Alright, break it up. I can feel the tension from across the room.” Dum Dum set their food on the table and replaced Steve’s beer with a fresh one. He then addressed Bucky directly. “Don’t let this guy fool you with his puppy dog eyes. I’ve known this man since he was fresh in the army, and he’s nothing but trouble.”

“So am I.” Bucky gave him a wink and a smile in a devilish fashion. “If anything he should be watching out for me.”

Dum Dum nodded approvingly. He leaned down towards Steve and whispered in a half-assed measure that showed he didn’t care if Bucky had heard him or not. “This one’s a keeper, Steve. I swear to the Powers That Be if you let this one go I’m going to end you myself.”

He gave Bucky a warm smile before walking back towards the other of the restaurant to give them the illusion of privacy. “You have good friends.”

“I do.” This bar was a second home to Steve. It was the place he went on his nightmare fueled nights to calm the demons in his mind, every stressful rehearsal, each stood up date, loss of hope the bar was there for him. Dum Dum never pushed for him to share, but kept his ear open. That wasn’t even mentioning Sam or Natasha.

“Well you are a self described ‘excellent judge of character,’ so I’m not surprised.” He took a large bite out of his burger and the sound he made was enough to make Steve blush- bless the dim lighting.

With a mouth still full and body expressing pure ecstasy Bucky spoke. “My god, kill me now. This is it for me, I’ve reached the highpoint of my life. I feel like I should be bowing and committing a sacrifice in the name of this burger.”

“You look like you’re having a religious experience.”

Bucky took another large bite looking ecstatic. “I think I’ve transcended to a higher plane.”

Unable to stop himself, Steve smiled like a lovestruck idiot. He didn’t want to call it lovestruck though because that would imply that he had fallen in love with someone who was essentially stranger to him. But with every minute that went by talking with Bucky in that hole in the wall bar he fell in love with him little by little. Time didn’t seem to exist and before he knew what was happening they were standing outside of Bucky’s apartment.

“This is me.” Bucky said almost sadly. A sudden silence clung to the air like it hadn’t the whole night, it was awkward and thick. Just as Steve was about to say something Bucky spoke again; they shook it off with shy laughter.

“You first.” Bucky held his hands up and put them almost immediately behind his back. He was fidgeting.

Deep breath. “Look, Buck…”

Steve didn’t get the chance to finish because Bucky suddenly grabbed him by the collar of his leather jacket and pulled him into a fierce, passionate kiss. Confusion and shock turned quickly into pure relief at the loss of tension. Steve grabbed Bucky’s waist and pulled him closer. To make up for the lost distance Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck loosely, one hand curling in his hair. The kiss didn’t last more than a minute, but, it seemed to continue forever until Bucky eventually pulled away.

He backed away and put his arms behind his back, eyes cast to the cracked sidewalk. “I’m sorry, I don’t usually do things like that.”

Still breathless, Steve laughed. “Well I’m definitely not mad that you did. I’ve been wanting to do that since I saw you.”

Bucky shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t have done that. You deserve better than me.” Steve had no idea what Bucky meant and he didn’t get to ask because Bucky was already unlocking the door to his apartment building with shaking hands. “Please don’t talk to me again.”

“Wait, Buck!” Steve tried to stop him but the door was already closed and he could see through the small window Bucky walking up creaky old steps. “Bucky!” He yelled. “Come on talk to me!”

But Bucky was gone leaving Steve standing alone in the street. The feeling of Bucky’s lips still fresh on the lips and the fear in his eyes trapped in his mind.

* * *

 

Bucky closed his apartment door behind him with a slam and threw his keys across the room with a cry. Why did he kiss Steve? Bucky’s just bad news and he was going to drag Steve down with him? What would that achieve? Who’s life would be improved if Bucky were to date Steve? Kiss Steve? Fall in love with Steve?

No. Bucky couldn’t do that to him. He would pretend like tonight never happened, any of it. No matter how much that might hurt Steve, it would save him a lot more pain than if Bucky allowed himself to fall in love with Steve Rogers.

James felt drained. He leaned against the solid wood of the door behind and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Breathing became a chore and he was finding it harder and harder to keep up with it.

Fumbling with his phone Bucky dialed one of the three numbers, his sister Rebecca. He waited for only two rings before Rebecca answered, she was still laughing.

“Hey, Bucky what’s up?”

“Becca, tell me that he’s gone.” Even Bucky could hear the panic and tears in his voice.

Instantly Rebecca’s voice got softer and the background noise became less prominent. “He’s gone Bucky. He will never come near you again, I promise you.” She then continued to repeat the same calming phrases she always did- he told her she might as well crochet them on a pillow and just give that to him. 

Eventually he calmed down to the point where he was staring blankly ahead with unseeing eyes. “I’m okay now Becca.”

“Are you?” She asked her concern evident. “This hasn’t happened in a month Bucky, what changed?”

“Who said I haven’t had a freak out in a month?” He’s lucky if doesn’t have one every other day.

“You know what I mean James.”

Bucky winced. “Wow, using the first name. That is low even for you Becca.”

“If you weren’t so evasive I wouldn’t have to. You’ve been able to handle this so well, what changed.”

Bucky actually laughed a little giddy. “I actually went on a date with someone from the orchestra.” An excited scream from the other end made him laugh even harder. “Relax Becca. It isn’t going to go anywhere. I have too much baggage I couldn’t do that to him, he’s a fucking saint.”

“Bucky that’s a huge step, I’m so proud of you? What was he like, was he handsome?” More than handsome. “Did he treat you well Buck? He didn’t push you into anything?”

“No, god no. I was actually the one to make the first move; I might have made out with him.” Bucky cringed as his sister asked rapid fire questions that exploded through the phone. “Calm down Becca it’s never going to happen again. I told him to stay away from me.”

“Bucky, you can’t keep letting what that asshole did to you keep effecting you like this. I’m not trying to undermine what he did to you, but you can’t let him ruin your happiness forever. I know you just met this guy, but does he, or could he, make you happy?”

Steve, god Steve. Bucky relived the kiss in his mind. He felt the heat of Steve’s lips against his. The soft texture of his hair and the grip both gentle and firm around his waist. The way he looked at Bucky like he had known him all his life. How he seemed to genuinely care about what other people said. Not to mention the fact that he was absolutely fucking gorgeous.

“Yeah, I think he could.”

“Then go for it. You can always say no if things get too much, and I’m always a phone call and a cab away.”

“Thanks Becca.”

“No problem Bucky Bear. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Sounds good.” They both said their goodbyes before hanging up leaving Bucky thrown back into silence.

That wasn’t any good, but he was too tired to play on the baby grand he had somehow fit into the living room of the small apartment he had. It’s not that he didn’t have the money for a large apartment, as much as he didn’t need the large space.

Deciding that even with all the nerves that still fired in him that playing the piano wasn’t an option for his tired mind right now. Bucky instead settled for turning on the some crappy TLC program and laying on the couch until sleep overtook him.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day at rehearsal Steve was off his game. He knew from the first scale that he played for warm up that he was just off, and it wasn’t for any unknown reason either. What happened last night was on the forefront of his mind.

Kissing Bucky was fantastic, better than anything art or science could create. But Bucky’s sudden withdrawal was worrying. He supposed that it would be completely normal if he were to take offense  from Bucky’s hasty runaway, but worry was all he felt. Bucky had looked so terrified when he had pulled away; like he had been burned by Steve’s lips. That part in Steve that just wanted to help everyone wanted to help everyone he could was realised again. He almost tried calling Fury to give him Bucky’s number just to call him and make sure he was okay, but that seemed a bit stalker-ish.

Part of him hadn’t even expected Bucky to show up for rehearsal that day, but there he was. He looked tired and a little drawn, but smiled shyly at Steve. The first thought to go through his mind was to go over to the pianist and ask if he was alright, until Fury walked in and their rehearsal started.

That led to the next two and a half hours of Steve constantly messing up his shifting and bowing. For once Steve was thrilled about sitting at the edge of the orchestra- at least Fury couldn’t see him ruining the set. But he was so off that the first viola, Natasha, felt the need to confront him at the end of morning rehearsal.

“What’s wrong with you today?” Natasha seemed against the concept of greetings. She was an all business type of person, but underneath her shell she was just a kind, concerned friend.

“What do you know about Bucky?” Natasha always seemed to know everything about everyone.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

“Sorry, I meant James Barnes. The concert pianist that Fury hired.”

“Nothing. Unless you mean that you and him went on a date yesterday.” For sake of his sanity Steve chose not to ask how she knew that. “But other than that I don’t know anything that isn’t on wikipedia.”

“I would have thought you’d have his resume, birth certificate, and arrest record by now.”

Natasha shrugged with indifference, but the tension in her shoulders told him that it was actually driving her crazy. “He’s a ghost. I can’t tell you if that means if he’s just extremely boring, or if he’s just really good at covering his tracks.”

“What, you think he’s some kind of secret assassin? He seems perfectly normal, maybe a little reserved but nothing that can’t be explained without going into the realm of the abnormal. Try not to pry into his life to much. I really like this guy and I don’t need you ruining this for me.”

Natasha looked scandalized. “When have i ever ruined a relationship for you?” She thought a moment. “Don’t answer that. Look we all can’t have a heart of gold like you, or Sam.”

“I’m not asking you to strain yourself, Nat, just focus your energy elsewhere. Bucky is off limits, you hear me?”

She held up her hands in sacrifice. “Alright, alright, back down soldier.” Suddenly somber, she added. “You must really like this guy.”

They both took a moment to look over to Bucky who was deep in conversation with someone on the phone whilst he put away his belongings. He looked a little less put together than he had the day before; that made Steve feel even worse about leaving him on his own the last night. If Steve hadn’t just met him he probably would have broken the door straight off its hinges to follow him.

“I think you’re right, Nat. I don’t really get it, if I’m being honest, when have I ever been the person to rush into a situation.”

Natasha paused so completely Steve could almost see the loading bar above her head. “Are you fucking with me right now Rogers, or do I need to pull out the list?”

“You keep a list?” Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise him if she had made a list of all the risky situations that he had rushed into. His father had hoped that the army would knock that habit out of him. Both he and Steve’s mother didn’t live long enough to be disappointed.

“Whether or not you rush into situations isn’t relevant. Steve, when is the last time you’ve been on a date? I’ll tell you, it was about a year ago. Everytime I ask you why you haven’t been out there using your muscles for something good you always have an excuse. ‘Sam is going through a rough patch, Tony and Pepper had a fight and he needs to stay on my couch, et cetera.’ You are the most selfless person I know, Steve. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is for everyone around you?

“You have a heart of pure gold, Steve. You will sacrifice your own happiness for everyone else’s; but you don’t see that you being happy would make the rest of us feel less shitty about you dropping everything the moment someone needs you. So please, for the love of God, please get yourself some of that prime, musical dick and make everyone feel better.”

“If only your pep talks were as good as your pep talks were as good as your playing.” He got a sharp elbow in the ribs, thankfully he had a good layer of muscle blocking the majority of her blow. “I’m just joking. You always know how to know what to say to get me off my ass.”

“Hang out with Clint enough and you learn a thing or two about getting people off their ass. Go and charm his ass off.” She gave him a quick hug before walking off, her viola case strapped onto her back, the red hourglass design on the case displayed proudly.

Selflessness had always been a word used to describe him. Though he never tried to be selfless, seeing others being kicked down just sparked something in Steve. A primal urge to protect those around him. When Sam lost Riley there was no hesitation in letting his friend stay in the spare room so he wouldn't have to face an empty house. Helping others was part of him. It’s what made Peggy love him, or made others want to be near him. People laid their burdens on his shoulders to help carry, and Steve found no issue in that.

But why not do something for himself? Ever since he ended things with Peggy he had buried himself in whatever he could to move on. Maybe it was time to move on. Maybe that’s why Steve found himself walking towards Bucky’s piano with the same twisted feeling in his stomach from the day before.

When Bucky saw Steve a small breeze of embarrassment passed over his face before a quick, shy smile took its place. He held up a finger to silently ask for a minute to end his call.

“Yeah, Becca I heard you.” He had a long suffering look on his face that held no real fire, rather pure endearment. “Yes, I promise. Becca, I’m hanging up on you now.” He exited the call with a sigh. “My sister means well, but she worries about me too much.”

“Couldn’t imagine why.” That was a bit too standoffish, dumb Steve. “Sorry, I was just worried about you. I hope that it wasn’t anything that I did that made you nervous.”

“It definitely wasn’t you. Look, uh, I just have a lot of baggage. I got a little freaked out last night and didn’t handle it very well. I promise that it had nothing to do with you though, you were perfect. In fact.” He dug in his incredibly disorganized bag until he was able to produce a small notebook and a black ink pen. Quickly, he scribbled something down and held it out towards Steve. “This is my number, I tend to stay up pretty late so don’t worry about waking me up.”

“Are you sure?” Steve inquired even as Bucky all but shoved the piece of paper into his hand. “You don’t owe me anything because of what happened last night.” Bucky nodded. “Well that’s a load off. I’m pretty sure Natasha was about to kick my ass for not getting your number last night.”

“She’s the first viola right? I don’t doubt that she can and would destroy you, even with all your muscles. There’s murder in those eyes, trust me, I know.” A small glint of mischief passed Bucky’s eyes.

“That’s what most people say, but she’s kind-hearted. Even if she tries her best to prove it to me otherwise. But cold people don’t go out of their way to set up their friends with attractive pianists.”

“I think that Natasha and my sister would agree on that.” A brief pause while Bucky thought over what he just said before his words came out like bullets. “Well, not the pianist part ‘cause you play the cello so it wouldn’t make any sense for my sister to want me to be with a pianist. Anyways I’m rambling a lot. Do you want to get coffee? Try this all over again?”

There was no thought process. “Of course. I’d love too.”

Coffee ended up taking almost three hours as the two musicians became so enthralled in the others life experiences. Steve listened attentively as Bucky listed the many countries he had traveled to. Bucky laughed so hard at Steve’s accounts of past humours events that he grew red in the face, doubled over and drawing an army of eyes their way. They talked and learned about the other until previously constructed plans made it so Steve could no longer linger in the presence of the enigma he had trapped himself in.

They didn’t kiss goodbye. The moment was presented to them and the split second of time to make the decision was created and destroyed in the time it took to come to the silent agreement not to push anything. Instead Steve left Bucky at the coffee shop with the promise of something to look forward to.

* * *

 

“Three hours in a coffee shop?” Sam asked for what must have been the tenth time. “Steve, I can’t even get you to step foot in a coffee shop because you refuse to pay for coffee over three dollars. How the hell did this guy get you, the most stubborn little shit in the world, to budge on your own dogma?”

Wasn’t that the million dollar question? In the past two days Steve had been thrown through a complete whirlwind of events that were so uncharacteristically him that he wouldn’t have recognized himself.

“What did you say the name of this miracle worker is, James Barnes.” He pulled out his phone and began typing into google.

“Sam, what the hell are you doing?” Steve made a grab for the phone but Sam moved out of the way and proceeded with his search.

“Holy shit, is this him?” He showed Steve an image of Bucky in a black tuxedo with a deep blue dress shirt from some sort of photoshoot. “I feel the need to congratulate you on this. I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t the definition of beauty. Look at that jaw line.”

“Cut it out, Sam. Stop being such a creep.” He made another attempt to snatch the phone out of Sam’s hand, but his best, yet somehow worst, friend wasn’t done torturing him yet.

“Damn, Steve your boyfriend has a Wikipedia page. He’s essentially royalty now, I’m so proud of you.”

“He is _not_ my boyfriend, and that is an extreme violation of privacy. You would think that a budding psychiatrist would take others privacy more seriously.” Steve knew it was a low blow from the glare that he got, but Sam turned off his phone and put it back in his pocket.

“You don’t know how to have any fun, Steve.”

“I don’t need to be fun, that’s your job in this friendship. Besides I don’t want everything I learn about my… whatever he is to be found out from a google search. Call me old fashioned, but I would rather figure these things out on my own.”

Sam rolled his eyes and settled back on Steve’s worn leather couch. “You’re such a romantic.”

The image of Bucky smirking at him across a scratched table top with a teasing look flashed in his mind. “So I’ve been told.”

“So when is your next date with Mr. Blue Eyes?”

“I don’t know, kind of got the feeling that he wanted to take things slow.” That caught Sam’s attention as he sat up and motioned for his friend to continue. “Okay, yesterday I took him to the Commando’s and we were hitting it off. I mean it was like I had known him all my life; we just connected. Then when I was dropping him off at his apartment he kissed me.”

Sam never looked so happy in his life; he clapped Steve on the shoulder. “Look at you, kissing on the first date? I didn’t even know that was something that you did.”

“Don’t get to excited it didn’t last longer than a minute. He pulled away and got all flustered and panicked. Kept going on about what he did was a mistake and that he was sorry. I told him that I didn’t mind, honestly no one would mind; you’ve seen the photo.”

“I’m actually a hundred percent sure that you should get an award for locking lips with Russian Beethoven.”

“He’s actually from Brooklyn.” Steve clarified. “Born and raised, mostly. I think he said that he moved to Russia when he was thirteen after his parents got divorced, but that’s besides the point.

“Anyway, I tell him that everything was alright between us but he basically turns into a different person. He started talking about how I deserved better than him before running into his apartment building and telling me not to try contacting him again. I’ve seen enough panic attacks to know that was one and that he shouldn’t be alone so I tried to stop him, but I was too late.”

The playful exterior Sam had on before was now replaced with concern. “You did all you could, Steve. Besides it sounds like it all worked out alright and he’s recovered from whatever happened last night. Did he tell you what happened?”

God, he wished. Whatever happened in Bucky’s past had been nagging at him since last night. Something horrible had happened to put that fear behind such bright eyes. It made him sick to think about it.

“No, he told me that he had a lot of baggage and that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t push for information. Do you have any idea what it could be, you know like from a psychiatrist's perspective?”

“I’m a psychiatrist, not a mind reader. Besides aren’t you the person who got all high and mighty about privacy and shit like two minutes ago?”

Sam was right, that didn’t mean that Steve had to like it. He should respect Bucky’s privacy and not try to speculate his past. But there was the nagging thought in the back of his mind that he couldn’t get past. “I think he might have been abused.”

A large sigh escaped Sam, like a tornado had pushed it’s way out of his body. “I mean that makes some sense with what you told me, don’t assume you know anything until he tells you. The poor guy probably gets a lot of that if he is anywhere near as famous you tell me he is.”

“Yeah, I just want to be able to help him.”

“I know you do, Steve. But you can’t save the world. No matter how hard you try.”

Obviously Sam was right, saving the entire world was impossible. How could an ordinary man with nothing but the best intentions save everyone. Once he thought that the army was the answer, now he isn’t so sure anymore. He can’t save the world, can’t save every lost soul he crosses on the street. But he can try and help Bucky.

That would be enough.


	3. Chapter 3

A week into their relationship a second date still hadn’t occurred. Sure, they went on out of small coffee dates before rehearsals and spent their lunch hour walking around the city getting to know each other better as they walked with no real destination in mind. Steve wasn’t lying when he told Sam that he had felt like he’d known Bucky all of his life. In those two weeks the pair had grown a tight bond that neither had expected.

They were in a weird grey zone between being inseparable friends and uncontrollably in love. Something that contributed greatly to this was that they hadn’t gone on a date that lasted over half an hour. Steve wasn’t in a huge rush and didn’t want to push Bucky, which is what made it surprising when Bucky ended up being the one calling him. It was around noon on Saturday when Bucky called him for a second formal date. Of course Steve was ecstatic to go out on another date, but he was also worried about Bucky. But when he tried to ask Bucky if he was sure that he was ready he was brushed off almost immediately.

So here Steve was Sunday night outside Bucky’s building dressed in the perfect, definitely not trying to hard, outfit. Dark wash jeans, a grey long sleeved shirt with his leather jacket thrown on top- he would never admit it took him an hour and an emergency call to Natasha to figure his outfit out. He was embarrassingly nervous as he waited for Bucky.

Should he have brought flowers? Did people still do that?

All of that anxiety seemed to melt away when the door opened and Bucky was smiling at him. Somehow his eyes were even brighter and bluer with the contrast of his dark blue v-neck that was paired with a form fitting black leather jacket. His lean form was shown off, but it didn’t seem to be on purpose. Steve had to wonder if he even tried putting himself together in the morning or if he just woke up that beautiful.

“Earth to Steve, you know you’re staring right?.” Bucky smiled in a way that made Steve think that he didn’t really mind the extra attention. “Honestly, I would be offended if you weren’t I spent too much money on this jacket for it to go unnoticed.”

“You look great.” Was all that Steve could muster. “How could anyone not stare at you when you look like a million bucks.”

“Don’t you just wish there were a million of me to go around.” A scandalized look from Steve made Bucky burst out laughing. “You are way too innocent, Stevie. How the hell were you ever in the army?”

“Get a few beers in me and you’ll see.” That got an approving snort from his date.

“Well I’ll take that as an challenge. I have to warn you though, I’m not the kind of guy who gives up easily.” That mischievous glint was overly present in his eyes.

“What am I going to do with you?”

“You’ll figure it out.” A wink.

“Fucking hell, you are impossible tonight.” Steve said before stepping to the left to show off the Harley Davidson behind him. It was the first time that Bucky had seen the Harley as everywhere that they traveled was within walking distance, including the distance from Steve’s apartment to the concert hall. So when Bucky laid eyes on the motorcycle his emotions started at shock and morphed into enthusiasm was something Steve wished that he could capture.

“What the hell, when did you get a motorcycle?” Bucky asked with stars in his eyes. “How did I not know this about you? My sweet, little Stevie is a motherfucking badass, and I never knew.”

“You aren’t the only one with secrets, sorry.” He grabbed the extra helmet he had and threw it to Bucky who was staring, confused. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a story behind the vanity plate that I think I need to hear.” Bucky motioned to the vanity plate that read CPTUSA. Steve hadn’t even thought of that when he decided to take his motorcycle to pick up Bucky. Now here he was, Bucky was looking at him ready for a story and he was filled to the brim with embarrassment.

“Shit, yeah, I forgot about that. I’ll explain at the restaurant that we are going to miss our reservation for if we don’t leave soon.”

“Sure, I get it. Dangle a piece of juicy backstory in front of my face, like the most patriotic vanity in existence, and then not explain it to me. That’s just rude, Steven.” Bucky rolled his eyes and slid the helmet over his head. “I’m very disappointed in you.”

Steve put a hand over his heart like Bucky’s words were tangible things. “You wound me.” He said before getting on the motorcycle and holding a hand out to Bucky. “You ready?”

Bucky didn’t hesitate climbing on the Harley and wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist. He would be lying if Steve said that the physical contact involved with riding a motorcycle wasn’t completely out of his mind when he made the decision to bust out the Harley.

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my whole life.”

* * *

 

“Hold up, they called you Captain America?” Bucky asked all while laughing his ass off. They were walking down the road to where Steve had parked the motorcycle, it had taken forever and a half to find a decent parking space. It was a bit of a distance, neither minded.

“Sadly, yes they did.”

“What do you mean ‘sadly?’ I can’t believe you neglected to tell me such an important part of your history.” He grabbed Steve’s arm and brought them to a sudden stop, the childish excitement was back. “Does that mean that I’m your trusty sidekick?”

“I hate to break it to you, but superheros don’t usually date their sidekicks.” Steve ribbed Bucky and started walking back again.

“That’s just what the writers want you to think. Don’t fall for it, babe.”

The word babe caught Steve off-guard. He ran it over a few times in his mind, rethinking exactly how Bucky had pronounced each letter. In the end he came to the conclusion that he didn’t mind the term, part of him yearned to hear it again.

“You know that there was actually a comic made about my Captain America persona?”

“Shut the fuck up! No way!” Bucky’s eyes grew twice their size. “How did that happen, and where do I get my hands on a copy?”

“A friend of mine dabbled in writing and thought that the nickname was perfect for a superhero; and you will never read it because it was never published. I left the nickname back in the war, at least for the most part. Dum Dum got me the vanity plate to be funny, and being the stubborn piece of shit that I am, put it on the bike.”

Bucky was still laughing, he was actually crying, happy tears though. “Here I thought Bucky Bear was a bad nickname.” He noticed the questioning look Steve gave him. “Becca was like nine and I looked up to her blindly. I was so happy with the nickname that I didn’t even notice how horrible it was.”

“You talk about your sister a lot. I’d love to meet her.”

“I want you to meet her too; I’m just scared that she’s going to get into protective big sister mode on you. Last time I was with her we went to get coffee and someguy started hitting on me, every part of me thought she was going to punch him. I mean I know that she is supportive of me putting myself back out there. But the last thing that I need is for her to misread something and go crazy on my boyfriend.”

Steve’s smile was ear to ear. “So I’m your boyfriend.”

“Huh,” Bucky hadn’t seemed to notice what he had said. “I guess you are, if you wanna be.”

“I’ll have to think about it.”

“Shut up, punk.”

They laughed.

“This was fun,” Bucky said. “We should do more dates that last longer than a cup of coffee. Who knows maybe we could even go for a movie?”

“I don’t know, two and a half hours? That’s a long time, you might get sick of me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. If I were going to get sick of you I would have dumped your ass weeks ago.” Bucky said making them both laugh again.

Steve rolled his eyes. “You’re the worst.”

“I’m irresistibly charming, excuse you. Besides I can’t be that bad, or how else would I have ever managed to capture the attention of Captain America?”

Looking up to the sky, Steve prayed for strength. “I’m going to regret telling you that, aren’t I?” Bucky nodded so feverently that Steve could feel the embarrassment from the future leaking into his past. “Well I guess that there’s no excuse to cut you loose now. So do want to go back to my place, watch some movies?”

A flash of fear filled Bucky’s eyes, but it left quickly. Of course it wasn’t quick enough that Steve didn’t notice it first.

“You don’t have to do anything more than that, Bucky. I’m not going to make you do anything that you are uncomfortable with, and if you don’t want to tonight, fine. We can roam the streets until the sun comes up, or I can bring you back home. It’s your call.”

He kept his face carefully blank while Bucky chose. Because while he of course wanted to spend more time with Bucky, he didn’t want to force or pressure him into something he wasn’t ready for.

After a few paces Bucky cleared his throat. “I think I can carve a few hours away from my beauty rest to watch a movie.”

“You sure?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, could we do it at my place though? I think it would just make more sense if we did it there instead of your place. Just so that you don’t have to drive me all the way across town and back.”

“Sure, makes sense.” It did, but Steve knew that wasn’t why Bucky was asking to go to his place rather than Steve’s. It was about feeling more in control of the situation, and if that was what Bucky needed then Steve was fine with it.

“Now the real question,” Bucky said, the glint in his eyes returned,” is what movie do we watch? Horror, action, comedy, something sappy? The possibilities are endless.”

“Why don’t you just list off movies you own and I’ll tell you when I don’t recognize one.” The list of movies Bucky had was probably quite long, but it didn’t take long before Steve was stopping him.

“You’ve never seen Fight Club?” Bucky asked looking like Steve had grown a third eye. “How did no one ever care about you enough to show you this icon of movie? I can’t believe that I’m dating a heathen.”

Steve laughed uncontrollably. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?”

“I am Jack’s complete lack of remorse. Seriously, I can’t even look at you until you’ve seen this movie.” Dramatically, he placed his hand over his eyes and turned his head away from Steve.

“You are such a jerk.”

“Whatever, you punk.”

* * *

 

“That was amazing!’ Steve was floored, completely caught off guard by the ending. “I can’t believe that happened. Like honestly, what the fuck?”

Bucky chuckled looking up at Steve, he had gotten tired and decided that Steve’s lap looked like a great pillow about half way through the movie. “What can I tell you Chuck is a genius.”

“I am going to have to read more of his books if they are near the level of brilliance of that movie.”

“I’ve got a few if you want to borrow them. The Barnes library doesn’t charge late fees at all, also I hear that the librarian is crazy hot.”

Steve shrugged which got a pillow thrown in his face. They both laughed until their eyes watered and Steve noticed that it was nearing one in the morning. Five hours had passed since he had picked up Bucky making this officially the longest date they ever had. A leap in the right direction.

“Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it is getting pretty late. I should go home.” They had planned to spend the night together, but it was now nearly morning. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if they both didn’t have rehearsal the next morning.

“You’re going to leave me here all by myself, how rude.” Bucky ribbed him lightly. “I guess it won’t be the end of the world, considering we see each other everyday.”

“I don’t know,” Steve shrugged. “Maybe I’ll call in sick?”

“Guess I would have to call in too, you know to nurse you back to health. I’m an excellent nurse you know?”

“I’ll have to take you up on that.” Steve winked; they both broke into tears laughing. “This was fun, we should do this again sometime.”

“Definitely, but next time you pick the movie.” He stood up, now they both faced each other with a hesitation.

What were they supposed to do. Of course they wouldn’t shake hands, that was a laughable idea. Hugging was always an option, but there was an intimacy that had grown between them in the past few hours that was stronger than anything they had experienced. Well, apart from their first date together.

God, Bucky had really fucked up kissing someone on the first date, but now they had been together for a few weeks, surely they were at a point now where a kiss goodbye and goodnight would be perfectly normal. But there was a wall in Bucky’s mind that he couldn’t seem to break down, a near tangible thing that he wanted to punch his way through. But he was too weak.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said instead and led Steve out the door. He felt like a failure, the loser in a battle against his own mind. There was no way he could keep this up, someday he was going to break.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been a few days but I was visiting family and then my grandma forgot our car keys in the hotel safe halfway across the country so it's been a pretty busy weekend

Who the hell was buzzing his apartment in the middle of the fucking night? It was near two in the morning when Steve had woken up to the sound of shrill buzzing and heavy rain. The concert was the next day and he needed this sleep right now if he was going to be more than a zombie with a bow. There was nothing that he wanted more than to ignore the buzzing until whoever it was left but he found himself making his way over to the intercom while haphazardly pulling shirt over his head.

“Hello?” God, it was too early to be speaking.

“Steve?” It was Bucky on the other end, and he did not sound like himself. There was something in his voice that Steve wasn’t used to hearing, a kind of vulnerability that Bucky didn’t usually allow himself.

That vulnerability felt like a hundred cups of coffee straight into his veins. There was a sense of urgency that was awakened in him, a fierce protective instinct that he couldn’t control. One that had him almost breaking the intercoms button when he replied. “Buck, what’s wrong?”

There wasn’t an answer for a while, just silence and rain from outside his window, then. “Can I come up?”

Steve didn't hesitate buzzing him up and ran to meet Bucky at the elevator doors.

When the cold steel doors creaked apart Steve's heart felt like it was dropped out of a plane. Bucky was soaking wet, dripping water into a puddle around where he stood on the tile flooring. He couldn’t bring himself to care about the water hazard slowing growing on the elevator floor, not with the fear that resided in Bucky’s eyes. The only part of the rain that troubled Steve was that it had dared touch his boyfriend.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” Was all Bucky could say as he trembled either from fear or the cold. He was probably freezing. The last gusts of winter still hadn’t faded from the spring air which combined with the cold of the rain made Bucky so pale that he was almost translucent.

They made their way back to his apartment that suddenly felt too cold for someone who was soaked as thoroughly as Bucky was. How long was he in the rain for?

“Let’s get you into some dry clothes; then we can talk.” Steve reached for Bucky to take the soaked jacket from him, but Bucky jerked away. “You’re going to catch a cold if you stay in those clothes.” No reaction other than an uneasy glance. “I’m not going to hurt you, Buck, trust me.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Bucky-”

“I can’t talk about it okay!” Bucky suddenly exploded with anger backing away from Steve looking wild. “I’ve tried, they words just aren’t there. Every day I go home and try to find a way to tell you, but I can’t.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I can’t even talk to Becca about it you, know? She knows exactly what happened and I can’t bring myself to even mention it around her. When she asked me to go to therapy I couldn’t bring it up there either, just faked it until I got a clean bill of health.”

Bucky was fully crying now. Tears mixed into the rain soaking his skin and slid down his face. He had started to pace and his hands tapped out the fingering to a phantom song that was memorized to the point of being a nervous tick.

It was terrifying for Steve to see. He felt helpless as he watched Bucky walk back and forth, so clearly at war with himself. Steve had seen war. There may have been no blood to be seen or the tang of gunpowder in the air, but there was the fear. What else was war besides fear that couldn’t be contained?

Steve had seen enough war to last him multiple lifetimes. He had friends that helped him push past the violence he tried to carry alone. Of course he wasn’t pass it, but he had come to terms with most of what happened; what he had seen. Least he could do was help some else overcome a trauma.

He pulled Bucky from his frantic pacing and pulled him in for a deep hug. At first Bucky had started and remained still; Steve feared he may have made things worse. That was until Bucky fell deep into Steve’s embrace like it was the only thing keeping him from falling over. His face buried itself into Steve’s neck. He sobbed while Steve brushed his hand through tangled wet hair, all while making soft shushing noises.

“You don’t need to tell me, not right now.” Bucky pulled back and looked him in the eyes for confirmation on what he had just heard. “I get why you can’t find the words, so I won’t force it. But you can’t keep all this anger and fear built up inside of you.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Bucky whispered, as if it were an omission guilt.

“Dealing with trauma isn’t linear, you have to make it work for you. But, I might know something that can help. Follow me.”

He led Bucky over to the heavy bag that he had hanging in the corner. “Punch it.”

“What?”

“My friend got this for me when I got back stateside, thought that it would help if I had something to hit. He was right, it helped to focus on something other than all the shit going through my head.”

Steve grabbed boxing mitts that sat nearby and handed them over. “You can’t let all of this anger sit inside, waiting to pop. Might as well be productive with it, I’d say.” He went on the other side of the heavy bag. “Go on then, I can take it.”

Bucky looked unsure when he took a tentative swing at the bag. With the gentle urging of Steve each blow gained more and more force until he was giving everything that he had. He punched. He punched. And punched until he had nothing left to give, until he kneeling on the floor out of breath with no more tears to give.

Carefully, Steve approached, kneeling on the ground in front of Bucky. Now that they were on the same level Bucky wouldn’t look at Steve, couldn’t bring himself to drag his eyes up the few centimeters. So Steve dipped a finger under his chin and made the connection himself.

Neither said anything, not a word.

They were impossibly close, noses almost touching. Only a few inches, apart and Steve felt those inches burning inside of him. He couldn’t move. He didn’t have to.

Bucky wrapped his long, piano-made fingers around the back of Steve’s neck and closed the space. Their kisses were slow and tentative at first, not rushing anything. But slowly the want that they had both felt for the past month pushed itself out with a hunger for more.

Steve felt hands working on the hem of his shirt pushing up in attempts to rid him of unnecessary fabric. He pulled away for the few seconds it took to get the shirt off; Bucky following his example.

Kisses found their way to Steve’s neck with a growing passion of ferocity. The need to get closer brought Bucky almost to the point to sitting on Steve, who was at work kissing Bucky’s chest and feeling the muscles in his back.

Unable to wait, Steve brought the legs on either side of his own around his waist and stood bringing Bucky with him. Bucky wrapped himself around Steve like a vice as they made their way to the bedroom, never once breaking from a kiss.

Somehow they made it. More clothes were lost, they didn’t take stock in the loses. No, instead they focused on each other and let life blur.

* * *

 

The warmth of the sun and the chill of an empty bed is what woke Steve up in the end. It was a slow process that was foreign to him after so many years of nightmares and habit, what a wonderful feeling waking up was; he smiled. It was then he realized the cold spot in his bed shouldn’t have been there, where was Bucky? When his eyes eventually gravitated towards, Bucky, as they always seemed to, he wished he had a camera.

Bucky was curled up on the window seat in childlike posture, arms wrapped around his legs with his head resting on his knees. He was wearing only a pair of soft black boxer briefs; a blanket was draped over his shoulders. The soft light from the rising sun created the most beautiful silhouette of Bucky’s profile; when the clouds hid the burning sun Bucky’s features were visible again. There was a small smile on his face and a light in his eyes that was less haunted than it normally was. Peace had seemed to find it’s way into a body that had been devoid of it for so long.

Steve had never seen a more beautiful person or more deserving person. Their experiences so vastly different, yet, at the same they were unifying. It was almost a year ago when he told Natasha he wasn’t with anyone because it was hard to find someone with a similar life experience. She called it a cop out, but now he was sure of his words.

Right in the moment in time Steve wanted to pull out his sketch pad and capture every line and curve of Bucky’s face. He wanted to capture the peace that had settled on Bucky that was so rare to see. Then he wanted to make sure that all the fear and regret that hid just under the skin disappeared for good, never able to resurface. If it did Steve wanted to be there when it dared to show its face.

Oh god, he had it bad.

Without the presence of his sketchbook Steve settled for the next best thing, he pulled his phone off the charger and took a quick picture. The sound of the camera going off made his boyfriend jump slightly.

When he realized what the sudden noise was the peace filled his eyes again. “Hey sleepy, about time you woke up.”

The time on his phone shocked Steve, it was nearly noon. “I don’t usually sleep in like that. Have you been awake long?”

Bucky shrugged. “I’ve been up for about an hour. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t planning on going back to sleep at all, definitely did not expect to go to your place. I was just wondering when I crossed by your building.”

“Why were you out last night at all? It was storming like crazy.”

Again he shrugged. “I had a nightmare, went out to calm my nerves. It didn’t start raining until I was already across town.”

Silence filled the space between them, awkward and thick. Steve couldn’t stand it. “I know I told you that you didn’t have to talk about whatever happened to you, but I think that you should. I can’t help you fight if I don’t have a target.”

“I know.” Bucky sounded resigned, like he had been expecting this argument. “I want to tell you. Just give me until after the concert to tell you, I don’t want to have to relive everything before I go on stage in front of hundreds of people.”

Steve nodded. “I can do that.”

“Good,” Bucky smiled as he stood up and made his way back to the bed. “Now, we have five hours before we need to be at the concert hall.” He laid down on his side next to Steve flashed his best innocent look at him. “What could we possibly do to pass the time?”

“I have a few ideas.” Steve gave Bucky a long, passionate kiss. “That’s one of them, you want to hear the others?”

“Shut the fuck up and kiss me.” Bucky laughed all while pulling Steve’s lips against his again. Slowly things began to heat up again and hands were beginning to roam when Bucky’s phone went off across the room.

“Ignore it.” Steve said between a kiss.

But Bucky pulled away with a frustrated look. “Can’t, that’s Becca’s ringtone. If I don’t answer she is going to freak out on me, and I will a hundred percent throw you under the bus.” He gave Steve a pointed look until his boyfriend raised his arms in defeat. Bucky got up and took his phone from the jeans that were discarded at the foot of the bed.

“Hey Becca, what’s up?”

 _“I’m at your apartment which is currently empty. Where are you?”_ She didn’t sound very pleased which threw Bucky off, unless… _“Did you forget about lunch today?”_

“Shit,” Bucky put the palm of his hand on his forehead. He had totally forgotten about their plans to go out for lunch. It had been so far in the back of his mind last night and this morning that he hadn’t even had time to think about it. “Sorry, I kind of had a minor freak out last night.”

_“Are you okay?”_

“Yeah, I’m fine. I went to Steve’s and he took care of me.”

“That’s one way to put it.” Steve said before he had to dodge Bucky’s pants that went flying at him. “Hey, I’m agreeing with you!”

_“Is that him? Wait, did you two have sex?”_

This was not how Bucky wanted this morning to go. There wasn’t anything he could do to say that he didn’t without her seeing right through it, she was good like that. “I’m not talking about my sex life with my sister.”

 _“I’m so proud of you Bucky, but you know what this means now right? I have to meet him.”_ Shit. _“No getting out of it either Bucky Bear. Friday at my house, be here at six, and be well dressed. Got it?”_

Bucky was ready to crawl back into bed and sleep for another seven hours. “Got it. Now I’m going to hang up with you, I have very important business to handle.”

_“Sure you do.”_

“Goodbye Becca.” He hung up and dropped his phone on the bed. “Well you get to meet my sister now. She wants to meet you Friday, we’re having dinner at her place.”

“I’m at the meet the family stage now.” Steve smiled, he hadn’t ever gotten to the meet the family stage. “I’m honored.”

“Don’t be, it’s an interrogation disguised as a dinner. Don’t be the idiot who doesn’t see that the sheep you’re walking towards is just a wolf in disguise. She is going to want to know every aspect about your life, all while she serves you lasagna.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to scare me out of going.”

“I’m not.” Bucky defended while trying to come up with a less toxic way of warning Steve about his sister. “I’m just warning you before she goes all protective big sister on you. Besides who could scare Captain America.”

“Shut up you jerk!” Steve threw a pillow that Bucky dodged easily.

“Captain America and Bucky, daring to go where no one else dares to save the day!” Bucky said with bravado that overtook his voice and body. “Saving the world one mission at a time, watch as the daring hero and dashing sidekick overcome all odds!”

Steve waited a few seconds after Bucky’s moment of glory. “Are you done now?”

“For now,” Bucky gave an evil smirk. “Now where we?”

“I think I remember.” Steve sat up at pulled Bucky back on the bed and into a kiss with the same heat from a few minutes earlier. “Did that ring a bell?”

“A few, my memory is shit though you might want to try again.” Bucky challenged knowing full well that a challenge just wasn’t something Steve Rogers knew how to walk away from.

The next time Steve woke up it was too soft piano from the living room. The melody was soft and carefully paced giving the sound a relaxed quality that sank heavily into Steve making him want to lay there and never get up. But the song was a siren call pulling him out of bed and into the living room, after quickly putting on a pair of sweatpants.

Bucky was also in a pair of sweatpants that he stole from Steve’s drawer, though he liked the word borrowed better. He was sat at the electric piano Steve had in the corner next to his cello. It had been years since he played the piano, but he hadn’t found himself able to get rid of the instrument. Now he was happy he hadn’t.

“What song are you playing?” He asked while hugging Bucky from behind, resting his head on the pianist’s.

“One that I just wrote.” Bucky nodded at the few pages of sheet music that were little more than ideas of melody lines and a time signature.

“What’s it called?”

“A Kid From Brooklyn.” Bucky answered as the melody swirled around itself, a dance between notes, incredibly intimate. “It’s something that I’ve been working on for a little while.” His fingers tripped on the melody and he ran his hand through his hair. “Usually composing comes decently easy to me, but this line just doesn’t want to work itself out.”

“Maybe it just needs the right partner.” He grabs his cello and pulls the folding chair he uses for practicing over to the side of the piano. “What key is that, G Major?”

Bucky nods. He goes back a few measures in the melody to give Steve something to build up to and in the moment that he has no more melody to give, Steve pulled his own out. The two instruments filled the air and slipped through each other, switching off between melody and accompaniment. Of course, not every note was perfect. But flaws have their way of making things beautiful.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I started out thinking I would upload a chapter a day since I have the whole thing already written (minus one chapter that is half written) but then I go to seattle and don't have time to upload one because I was tasked with babysitting and then my internet broke (apparently accidentally unplugging it stops it from working) but hopefully I will have no more obstacles with uploading anymore.  
> This chapter is also probably the longest one so far and also when plot announces itself. So have fun!

Steve was still getting ready when Bucky came back to his house, how the hell that man got into a three piece suit that easily was a mystery to the world. For instance: while there wasn’t a single hair out of place on Bucky, who had only been gone for little over an hour, Steve still hadn’t buttoned his shirt up all the way and was busy trying to find the goddamn bow tie that he hated with a passion. Every concert he ended up complaining about the thing, but it was mandatory so there wasn’t much to do but suffer through it. Besides, hating the stupid thing so much made him feel even better when he got to get out of the suit and into some more comfortable clothing.

“How do you only have one bow tie?” Bucky asked as he searched in Steve’s dresser. “I must have a hundred of them.”

“I only have one because I despise bow ties and don’t want them to take over my house, one is bad enough.” Steve closed his closet, defeated. “Though now I’m beginning to see why having two might be a good idea.”

“If you have spares you’re never unprepared. That’s about the only decent thing that my dad ever taught me.”

Steve hesitated. That had been the first time since their first date at the Howling Commando’s that Bucky had mentioned his father. The timing wasn’t the best, considering they needed to be out the door and headed towards the concert hall in forty-five minutes, but he might not get the chance to ask Bucky about his father again for a long time. It killed him not to know.

“There has to be other things that he taught you, right?”

“Besides how to take and give a punch, no.” Bucky could feel Steve’s eyes on him, gaze burning through him. There was no way Steve was going to let this go. “My dad was a real piece of work, you sure you want to hear this?”

Steve nodded; he took note with how Bucky refused to look at him and instead remained focused looking through his drawers.

“To everyone who didn’t care, he was a real stand-up guy who loved his family. But to us, that man was a real piece of work. He couldn’t keep a stable job because of his drinking, but needed a job to pay for the booze. So when he couldn’t get something to get him fucked up he was almost fatherly towards us. But he was hooked, and the second he would lose his temper easily. Becca tried to keep me from getting the worst of it, and when I was big enough I tried to do the same for her.”

Sadly, that’s about what Steve had imagined. He couldn’t imagine a childhood like Bucky’s, the thought made him miss his mother so much it ached.

“When we first met you told me he was trying to protect you from something.” He was careful with how he prodded for information, at least as careful as he could be.

A dry chuckle came from Bucky. “Yeah, I did say that.” He finally turned to Steve’s direction but didn’t look him in the eyes, instead looking down at his hands. “Back when I was younger and stupider, I went out with a group of friends that were equally young and stupid. We all had similar stories, shitty lives without a good way to escape. One day they talked me into running away, told me that there a cargo train leaving the next day and that they were all going to take it and get the hell out. I didn’t hesitate.

“The next day we went to the nearest train station. I was scared and having second thoughts, but they wouldn’t let me back out. So I went with it. I was last to get on the train and when it was my turn I tripped. They tried to catch me, but there wasn’t anything they could do. Ended up breaking my arm and a few ribs, my dad was pissed when he found out. Kept saying how I was ungrateful, he wouldn’t let me out of his sight after that. A few years later my mom left him and we moved to Russia.”

It was the first time that Steve didn’t know what to say around Bucky. Usually talking came easily, but now he felt betrayed by his own lack of words.

“Buck, none of that was your fault. You were just a kid, you didn’t deserve any of that.” The world wasn’t good enough for Bucky Barnes, it certainly didn’t treat him with the love that he deserved.

“No one ever does. I try not to live in the past, there’s no point focusing on my past when it’s all just bad memories.” He knelt over by Steve’s bed to look under the bed frame. “Found it,” he cheered pulling the bow tie out.

“Don’t change the subject, please.” Steve placed a hand delicately on the side of Bucky’s face, his thumb trailing the line of Bucky’s jaw. Tracing his features like a painter would.

“I’ve already told you everything that you wanted to know.”

“But,”

“No, Steve. I have gotten so much pity from so many people over the years. Please, don’t treat me like I’m a charity case, not after last night.”

Well that definitely wasn’t where Steve wanted this conversation to go. “I’m not trying to say that you are one. But, after everything you just told me, don’t you want to scream at the sky?”

“Been there, done that. My dad died a long time ago, so there isn’t anyone to be mad at anymore. Also I’m done letting him ruin my life. If it weren’t for him I probably would have met you a long time ago.”

“I guess we’ll just have to make up for lost time.”

Bucky looked up at his with wide eyes. The same fingers that he had ran over Steve’s skin the previous night were now gentle with their movements as he tied the soft silk around Steve’s neck.

Bucky finished and took a step back to admire his work and the man in front of him. “Perfect,” He whispered.

“Perfect.”

* * *

 

The concert was an all around success, as expected. Playing Beethoven was always a monster to take on, but there was no nervous energy in the orchestra. After so many concerts the nerves die down and a trust is formed between the members of the orchestra. It was nothing they hadn’t done a million times before.

Bucky was outstanding. The audience applauded for five minutes when he bowed, just for him. His smile reflected the enthusiasm he was given, and when he turned back to look at Steve there was nothing but admiration on his face. If Bucky was as much of a mirror to him as he was to the audience, then Steve knew how much pride and love he was displaying. It wasn’t near enough.

Now the orchestra was cleaning up. Post-concert clean up always took longer than planned with the small talk and congratulations spread around. Bucky was currently in a swarm of players being individually praised while Steve and Natasha stood in the corner of the room.

“You were great by the way.” Natasha bumped his shoulder, still unable to pull his attention off of Bucky. “So how are things between you and lover-boy going lately?”

“It’s great, Nat. I mean it’s taken weeks, but he’s finally opening up to me.” He took his eyes away and focused his full attention on Natasha. “Thank you for not letting me give up on him.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Steve. I wasn’t doing it for you, I’m just over watching you being all sad and lonely all the time.” They laughed. “No, I am happy for you Steve, for both of you.”

“I know you care in your own weird way.”

“Shut the fuck up, Steve, I am heartless.” He raised both hands in defeat and went back to watching the crowd. The happiness on his face wasn’t impossible for Natasha to miss, but she was skeptic by default.

“You said he’s opening up to you, but are you opening up to him?” She noticed him tense, dammit. “Have you told him anything about your tour?”

He didn’t say anything, but his eyes became cold stones, free of emotion.

“Steve, you were in a coma for a year. That isn’t something you can hide, he is going to find out someday. The least you can do is give him the same courtesy that he gave you and tell him early on, instead of the next time you get a flashback and he doesn’t have any clue how to help.”

“I know.” Steve snapped and immediately looked guilty. “Sorry, it’s just hard for me, Nat. I don’t want him to look at me differently.”

She nodded, lips tight in a line. “I guess, but you have to wonder if that means that you look at him differently now. We all have trauma, Steve. We just don’t realize it.”

She left him there thinking about that. Damn, he hated when she was right. But the thought of telling Bucky was terrifying, it shouldn’t be but that’s just how it was. How do people even start a conversation like that? How did Bucky manage to do it?

“Don’t you look like a guy who could use a drink.”

Steve didn’t even notice the man show up until a glass of scotch was being pushed into his hand. First thing he noticed about the man was the expensive suit, the second was Ms.Potts arm through his.

“Mr.Stark,” Steve stuttered, he was completely flustered. “It’s been too long. Congratulations on the move to energy, I’m sure the company is doing well.”

Stark looked pleased. “You about heard that? Pepper, I have to say that I’m flattered that you talk about me with your coworkers.”

A long suffering look took over Pepper. “Or maybe he just watches the news.” She gave Tony a pointed look and Steve a radiant smile. “I feel like I say this every time you two have a conversation, but I’m so sorry about him. I’m sure you know this by now but he’s a bit of a narcissist.”

“I’m _the_ narcissist, thank you very much.” Tony teased. He then looked Steve up and down quickly with a confused look. “Now I have to ask because it’s been bothering me since I first saw you play. Why does someone who plays as good as you do sit in the back of the orchestra? Did you do something to piss off Fury? Because if you did I’m going to buy you a car.”

“No, it’s just personal reasons.” Steve knew it was a bullshit way around the question, and he knew that Tony wasn’t buying it.

“You are a shitty liar, Rogers. Though I think it’s cute that you tried, tell you what take this,” he pulled out a business card and gave it to Steve. “Should have given you that a long time ago. You know, just in case you ever need anything.”

The hell? They had only talked for a few minutes a handful of times before. “We don’t know each other.”

“Which is like years in my brain, we’re basically best friends.” He walked off, waving without much care. “See you around.”

Pepper shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I swear, that man can’t hold a conversation for longer than a minute if it isn’t with a computer program. It was really nice to see you again Steve, take care.”

He wished her and Tony his best before downing the drink and making his way to Bucky who was just shaking his last admirer. When the two made eye contact they gravitated towards each other like the earth and the moon.

“I didn’t get to say this before you were swarmed, but you were amazing.” Steve kissed him on the cheek, taking pleasure in the way Bucky’s entire face flushed. “Now what do you say we blow this joint and head over to your place?”

“I would, but my sister is going to be here any second now. I just have to say goodbye to her then I promise we can go; I know how much you hate that suit.” He spotted Becca over Steve’s shoulder. “How did she get back here?”

Rebecca Barnes wasted no amount of time getting to Bucky and wrapping her arms around him like a noose. “You were so good, my baby brother’s a star!” She was over the moon with excitement, then she saw Steve and sobered. “You must be Steve. I would know given that Bucky has described every single detail about you. Very accurately might I add.”

It was Steve’s turn to blush while Bucky just looked embarrassed beyond belief. “It’s nice to meet you.”

He held out his hand but was pulled into a hug with surprising strength for someone that small.

“We’re a hugging family, Steve.” Rebecca reminded him when she finally let go. “Handshakes are for the corporate world, and last I asked what was going down between you fine musicians wasn’t business.”

She winked at Steve who went shades of crimson he hadn’t yet been able to reach tonight. Rebecca Barnes was a hurricane just like her brother, how the hell was Steve going to survive this family.

That’s when Steve noticed something off about Bucky. For a man usually in love with making Steve cringe as much as humanly possible in conversations, he wasn’t saying anything to poke fun at his boyfriend. No, instead his eyes had locked onto the window. He had begun to walk over to it when Steve called him.

“Is something wrong?” Steve asked when Bucky took his eyes away from the street outside.

Bucky looked like he had seen a ghost, but he shook his head. “Just thought I saw something, that’s all.”

Steve was calling bullshit on that. His boyfriend was an amazing actor, but Steve could tell when something was wrong. The way his eyebrows furrowed, eyes widened just so. He was about to push when he noticed Rebecca shake her head and mouth ‘not now.’ At first he was confused until he realized that questioning Bucky might lead him to getting more panicked, and the last thing he would want is a room full of colleagues seeing him in the middle of an anxiety attack.

“Well Bucky Bear,” Rebecca used a light tone and touched her little brother’s arm delicately, she was used to this behavior. “I’ll see you in a few days for dinner, right?”

He nodded and muttered some confirmation of their plans before hugging her quickly to say goodbye. She used the closeness to whisper the same assurance that she found herself saying all too much. “He isn’t here, you’re okay.”

They all said their goodbyes before Bucky and Steve made their way back to Bucky’s apartment. The walk was spent mostly in silence with Bucky looking at the ground and his boyfriend looking at him in concern. He was unable to say something comforting, as he didn’t know what was wrong. Instead he took his boyfriend’s hand in his own.

The tactile comfort brought Bucky’s attention from the sidewalk and to Steve who was giving him a warm smile.

“I’m fine, just thought I saw someone.”

Steve nodded, but didn’t say anything to let Bucky know if he didn’t want to talk he didn’t have to. Which is exactly what Bucky did the entire walk home up to the point when the door was closed behind them.

“Ugh, what a night.” The levity in Bucky’s voice was fake, but at least he was talking. “What do you say we get out of these suits and do something productive with our time.”

He went to kiss Steve, but his boyfriend leaned back. “Are you sure, you seemed really freaked out earlier?”

“Yeah, I was. I thought I saw someone and got a little freaked out, but I’m fine now, promise.”

“Are you sure,” Bucky nodded profusely. Steve let out an exaggerated sigh, he wanted to push the issue, but not tonight. Tomorrow he was going to get the full story with whatever grisly details may await him, but tonight was their night.

“Well if you’re sure.” Steve put a hand on the back of Bucky’s head to hold him in a long kiss that slowly became more and more passionate.

Between kisses, Bucky said. “You made my knees weak, don’t know if I can make it to the bedroom. You might have to carry me.”

Steve gave a throaty laugh. “You just want me to carry you again.”

“You have those muscles for something.” Bucky teased. He looped his arms around Steve’s neck loosely. “Bedroom’s that way, unless you’re a couch or kitchen table guy.”

Just before Steve was about to pick Bucky up there was a knock on the door. There wasn’t any street access to the building without getting buzzed up so it had to be one of the tenants.

Bucky was extremely annoyed at that. “We didn’t even get to the loud part yet!” He complained as the knocking got louder. “I swear, if it’s the old lady from down the hall I’m going to lose my shit.”

The insistent knocking wouldn’t give in, even as Bucky yelled that he was on his way. He opened the door and froze. Every cell in Bucky’s body went cold and his vision tunneled. There wasn’t any way what he was seeing was really happening.

Brock Rumlow had the audacity to smile, he let himself into Bucky’s home. “Nice place,” he said casually.

“How,” that was all that Bucky could mutter. He was only vaguely of Steve’s presence at this point. His boyfriend must of picked up on his fear because he was standing protectively behind Bucky, arms crossed. If Bucky turned to look at him the blue in his eyes would probably be pure ice.

“I’ve always known where you were James, what kind of fiance would I be if I didn’t know where my husband to be was?”

Rage flared in Bucky. “We are not engaged, not anymore. I want you to get out of my house now.”

Brock didn’t acknowledge Bucky’s demands or his growing anger. No, he was focused on the man behind him.

“Who the hell are you?” No attempt was made to hide the venom in Brock’s voice. He pushed his chest out a little further unconsciously trying to match Steve’s muscle mass.

“The guy who is about to kick your ass if you don’t get it out of the door.” His arms crossed, he took a step in front of Bucky who was shaking with either rage or fear, Steve couldn’t tell.

Either way, Rumlow just looked pissed. “You better learn some respect. I’m trying to have a conversation here, ken doll.”

“Not anymore,” Steve corrected, opening the door without taking his eyes off Rumlow. “Leave on your own, or wait for the police, your choice.”

They stared at each other with unwavering nerve. Bucky watched the stand down like most people watched horror movies, waiting for the unexpected to happen. For some level of security he grabbed Steve’s shirt sleeve, and was immediately given his hand to hold.

For a minute Steve had wondered if he was over analyzing the situation. What if he had just blown the situation out of proportion? Part of him wondered if he was just jealous to learn that Bucky had once been engaged to that creep. But then Bucky tugged on his sleeve, his hand was now shaking in Steve’s. For whatever reason Bucky was scared of this guy. Now it was taking everything Steve had not to beat the shit out of him.

Brock eyed their joined hands with an unreadable expression, then he did the unexpected. He began to laugh.

“Alright, I know how to read a cue.” His hands were up in a non-threatening gesture, but the predatory essence he had didn’t fade away. “Good job tonight, by the way. I’ll be seeing you.”

He left without another word, the door making a loud _thunk_ behind him to create the illusion of security. Steve wasn’t fooled and used every lock the door had to create more barriers between Brock and them.

That didn’t seem to help his boyfriend’s nerves. Bucky looked just as, if not more, terrified as he did when he ran away from Steve after their first date, not good. His hands were tangled in his short hair and he paced around the apartment.

“Bucky,” his words were tentative. Bucky looked like he was on a thin wire that was ready to break with the wrong step. “Bucky, baby, talk to me. Who was that guy?”

Bucky stopped his pacing and seemed lost in thought. He seemed unable to hear Steve. And he was about to call out again when Bucky grabbed a nearby vase and smashed it on the ground in front of him.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Was all that Steve could say as he ran the few paces from his spot near the door to Bucky. He gently led him away from the broken shards of ceramic and over to the couch.

Bucky didn’t seem like he knew what he just did, his eyes were empty. He looked completely dissociated from what was happening. He didn’t even meet Steve’s eyes until his boyfriend tipped his head up.

“Sorry,” he managed.

“Don’t be, we can pick that up later.” Steve kneeled in front of Bucky and grabbed his hand, trying to be as unthreatening as possible. “Who was that? Is he part of whatever happened to you in Russia that you won’t tell me about?”

Bucky squirmed a little before nodding. “I shouldn’t involve you in this.”

“I’m already involved, have been this whole time. For better or for worse, right?”

Even with how spooked Bucky was at the moment, he found himself laughing. “That’s marriage, you punk.”

“We improvised with each other, that’s basically the musicians preferred method of eloping.” He knew Bucky was trying to change the subject, like he always did. But he couldn’t let that happen again. It was time to know.

“Bucky, please let me help you. If that asshole did something to you, I need to know. Just so I know how many teeth I need to punch out next time I see him.”

“At least make it one.” Bucky’s tone held no humor, his eyes distant. “That’s how many of mine he knocked out last time I saw him.”

Fire filled his heart, but he needed to keep his cool. “He said he was your fiance.”

“Yeah, I mean as much as he could be in Russia. He was my fiance until he beat me so badly that I landed in the hospital for a week.” Bucky laughed without any real emotion besides self-hatred behind it. “Wasn’t the first time something like that had happened either. I started dating him around nineteen as an act of rebellion, it was a year before he started hitting me. Another four before he almost killed me and I finally got the sense to ask for help.”

He wiped a stray tear from his face before it could stray too far. “God, I’m such a fucking mess. I feel like half of our relationship is just you having to deal with my problems.”

Bucky was crawling back in on himself. Embarrassment for things that weren’t his fault overpowered him ten to one. It was a sight Steve couldn’t stand, he couldn’t stand seeing the love of his fukcing life like this.

“I was in charge of a group of seven men. It was supposed to be a simple job, all we had to do was get in, get our guy, get out. But everything went sideways. One of my guys was a traitor and set off a bomb in the middle of the mission. Four of my men were killed, another was paralyzed. I was in a coma for a year, and yet I was the luckiest person that day.”

He didn’t realize that he was crying too until Bucky wiped a tear off his face with the pad of his thumb. Steve grabbed the hand for that small amount of tactile comfort that grounded him.

“What I’m trying to say is that I know a thing or two about betrayal. I can’t imagine what you went through living how you did for so long, no one really can. But that doesn’t mean you’re alone in this okay? I’m with you in this and whatever comes next, till the end of the line, Bucky.”

Bucky nearly sent them both tumbling with the force of which he used to wrap himself around Steve. The embrace was nothing like what it was just a few minutes ago. There was no hungry passion, just the safety they found in each other was everything that they needed at that moment.

Steve had long held tears running down his face. The sting of betrayal fresh and the scab over all of those deaths was reopened and throbbed threatened to swell through his body. His hands shook as he ran them up and down his boyfriend’s back and tangled in his short hair. He knew that Bucky was feeling the same, yet a completely different, pain. Their tragedies broke them into pieces that could never be repaired. Yet somehow they seemed to fill the others missing spots perfectly.

“Can we go to your place tonight?” Bucky asked from where his head was buried in the nook of Steve’s neck. “I can’t stay here tonight.”

“Of course.” Steve wasn’t planning on either of them staying in that building again. Somehow Brock had managed to get past the locked front door that required either a key to unlock the door, or someone buzzing him in. Brock made it up without either.

“Does this place have a back exit? Just in case he’s waiting.” Steve let out a sigh of relief when Bucky nodded. “Alright, I’m going to call a few friends to meet us back there.”

“I don’t want to involve your friends in this.” Bucky whined. He was still unwilling to involve Steve in the mess he had landed in.

“Don’t worry about it Bucky. You already know Nat, and Sam is one of the most understanding guys I know. Neither one of them are going to judge you for any of this.” Steve waited to grab his phone until Bucky gave him a small nod. “We also need to call the police.”

“No,” he grabbed the phone out of Steve’s hand. “I don’t want them involved, it always got worse after someone called them. Besides, he technically didn’t do anything to me.”

“Trespassing, this building is private property and he broke in.”

“He’ll shake that off. Or worse, he gets charged and has three months in prison to think about how I fucked up his life again. We aren’t calling the police.” Defeat was not a look that Steve liked to see on his boyfriend's face.

They needed a plan, a way to keep that pig away from them both for a long time. Something that would lift the fear off of Bucky and give him his peace of mind back.

“What about a restraining order?” Steve asked to have Bucky laugh in his face.

“You don’t think I haven’t thought of that? A piece of paper isn’t going to keep him away from me.”

“That’s the point. We both get a restraining order against him and when he violates it he gets a one way ticket to jail for a long time. Do you still have any of your old medical files it would help speed the process along,”

“Do you really think you can get him to leave?” Bucky’s voice was small and it was the first time that he had made eye contact with Steve since Rumlow’s visit. The hope he was feeling was nothing more than a trying spark from a match that had already been struck.

The unwilling optimism made Steve pause. He wasn’t sure if he could get Rumlow arrested, the man had been abusing Bucky for years and never faced charges. But he looks at Bucky and all that doubt is gone. Not one part of him doubts that he could change the direction the earth turned to protect the man in front of him. Part of that scared him, how easy it was for him to get blinded by his love. But he knew that Bucky felt it too.

It was them against the world.

“He’ll never get near you again after we’re done with him. And I’ll break each of his fingers before he can even think of laying them on you.” He stared right into Bucky’s eyes so he could see that he meant every word he said. “Nothing has to happen tonight, but we can go to the courthouse first thing tomorrow if you want.”

The struggle inside Bucky was visible. He wanted to believe Steve, but there was still a large part of him that didn’t think that there was anyway to fight back. Maybe that part was right, but he had Steve now. Maybe he didn’t need to fight alone.

He handed Steve his phone back to call Natasha and Sam who got to his apartment in record time, both waiting at the back exit in Sam’s car. They drove around the city for a good hour to make sure no one followed them as they went to Steve’s place.

Nat was worried that Brock might have already checked out where Steve lived once he found out that they were dating. But he reminded her that the police station was less than a mile away and his building had better security. He also planned on going around the building and telling people not to let anyone that buzzed in with the excuse of lost keys and to be on the lookout for anyone matching Brock’s description.

But all of that was for tomorrow. Right now he was just memorizing the way Bucky felt in his arms, almost asleep from the adrenaline crash. Here in the back of Sam’s car he felt like everything would be alright.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently my gf is reading this so hi babe!

Bucky had imagined moving into an apartment with Steve many different ways. Not one of those fantasies included the prospect of just being too afraid to stay in his own.

After Rumlow broke into Bucky’s apartment building paranoia had been burrowing its way into his mind, every corner had a threat lying behind it. He wouldn't even return home to pack his things and instead electing Natasha to gather some of his things, after she assured him that she could beat the crap out of Rumlow by knocking Steve’s ass on the floor.

Even so Steve was a calming presence in the shit show that was Bucky’s life. He never looked at Bucky with pity or sadness, in fact the only change was a growth in admiration.

Most importantly he kept Bucky’s mind off of everything that was wrong in his life. When he was to afraid to take a step outside Steve binge watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine with him. And, when he was finally able to force himself to leave his safe haven Steve surprised him with a picnic at the park. The mace that he kept with him constantly did also had a helping hand in those small excursions out of the house.

Though his creeping paranoia was both soothed and exasperated by the absence of Brock, who hadn’t shown his face for four days. Bucky knew that he wouldn’t just give up. Sometimes he could feel eyes on him when no one was around. There was also the time he was taking a nap on the couch in Steve’s living room, basically theirs at this point, and a neighbor came by to warn Steve about a man who tried to get her to buzz him into the building. He wasn’t supposed to hear that conversation, neither one of them brought it up. Bucky didn’t leave the house again after that.

But outside of the paranoia and court appointments to get his restraining order, Bucky was able to find comfort in living with Steve. It wasn’t perfect by any means. Steve snored; Bucky hogged the remote. But those were little things, the big thing was that the piano Steve had was a small electric keyboard and Bucky missed the resonance of his baby grand every time he played it. But it was just something that he had to live with for the time being. For now he was perfectly content where he was, sitting on Steve’s reclining chair watching Cutthroat Kitchen.

“Alton you sadist fuck.” He screamed at the screen as Steve walked into the room. “Can you believe this, babe? He’s having them make baked fucking alaska, do you know how hard it is to make baked alaska without all the shit he puts these cooks through?”

“Can’t say I do.” Steve didn’t really have any idea what Bucky was talking about until he saw the tv screen. “Is that the Good Eats guy?”

“No, the Good Eats guy died and was replaced with satan. An ice block!” He yelled at the screen in protest again. “Come on Al!”

Steve took the remote and paused Bucky’s show because it was obvious there was no other way he was going to get his boyfriend’s attention. He knelt in front of Bucky, trying to seem unthreatening.

“You never came to bed last night. Has this been what you’ve been doing all night?”

Bucky played with the hem of his shirt. “I couldn’t sleep. I thought if I watched something mindless I would get there eventually, but it’s pretty obvious that I didn’t.”

“You could have woke me up; I wouldn’t have minded.” Their hands wrapped together. “I love you, Bucky. Let me help you.”

Bucky started like someone had snuck up on him. Steve couldn’t understand why until he realized exactly what he had just said.

“I love you too.” Bucky pulled Steve up by the collar of his shirt until he was straddling him and their lips were locked together. Between kisses Bucky’s voice was breathless. “You help me by just being you everyday.” 

They kissed until they felt weightless, a sensation they didn’t realize was made by the reclining chair tipping backwards bringing them crashing to the ground.

For a moment they laid there stunned before breaking into uncontrollable laughter. They laughed until their stomach’s ached and could no longer pull in enough air.

“So that happened.” Steve said, standing up and helping his boyfriend do the same. “I guess those things really aren’t meant for two.”

“Maybe they would be if you weren’t such a beefcake.” Bucky poked his boyfriend in his perfectly toned abs.

“You love my beef, admit it.”

Bucky grimaced. “Never call it your beef again.”

“So you can call me beefy, but I can’t?”

“Yes, I’m glad we’ve come to an agreement. Now do you really want to keep talking about your muscles, or do you want to go make out on something that won’t give into gravity?”

“I don’t see why we can’t do both.”

“You little shit.” Bucky rolled his eyes and kissed Steve long and hot. When he broke away his expression was notably more controlled. “I really do love you, Steve.”

“I know you do,” he pushed a loose strand of hair away from Bucky’s eyes, how telling those eyes were. Where his body was a mirror, his eyes were clear glass. “I can see how much you do. I see it, because that is exactly how I feel about you.”

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are such a fucking romantic sap.”

“You love that about me, and you fucking know it.” Steve was about to go in for another kiss when Bucky’s phone buzzed for attention. Normally, Steve would have elected to ignore it. But if it was about the restraining order they couldn’t miss the call.

So Bucky, very begrudgingly, checked his phone. “Shit,” he whispered. “Rebecca’s dinner is tonight,” Steve agreed, shit. “I totally forgot we were even doing that. Shit, I’m the worst brother in the world. She’s going to expect us to bring something, and not a bottle of wine. That’s what people who forgot about dinner parties bring to dinner parties.”

“We have all day, I’m sure we can find something. Besides you’ve been watching Food Network all night so I’m sure you’re just brimming with culinary insight right now.”

Eye’s widened with excitement. “This is the moment I’ve been training all night for. Go grab your jacket! We have a lot of food to buy and not a lot of time to do it.”

* * *

 

Becca’s apartment was simplistic and modern in design. Steve had never thought to ask what her job was, but clearly it was high paying. The two siblings were obviously both gifted and successful individual’s. And by the smell coming from the kitchen both Barnes kids both great cooks as well.

“Thing’s smell great Becca.” Bucky gave her single armed hug and in retaliation got his hair ruffled into a crazed mess. “Seriously Beccs? Do you know how long it takes me to look the perfect level of effortless?”

“I know exactly how long it takes, why do you think I do it? Now go set the table while Steve and I get acquainted.” She sent him off and pointedly ignored his grumbles of displeasure while Steve was led to a large sectional.

“We got cut off last time we spoke Steve, so please act like Bucky hasn’t told me everything over the phone and tell me about yourself.”

He sent a glare over to his boyfriend who refused to meet his eyes. “He just can’t keep his mouth shut can he?”

Becca’s laugh was controlled and professional. “Yeah, he’s loose lipped. But that’s just because we’re close. We had to be. So he doesn’t keep secrets from me, he doesn’t really know how.”

She was pulling him apart without even knowing what she was doing. “What do you do to afford an apartment like this?”

“I’m a lawyer.” That explained it. “That’s why I couldn’t follow Bucky when he went to Russia with our mother. I was already drowning in debt, I couldn’t just uproot like she could.”

Steve began to wonder if there was a member of this family who didn’t have the same guilt ridden expression that Becca and Bucky had adopted. The family he was working himself into was undoubtedly a mess of trauma and what if’s. Luckily he had dealt in his fair share of both.

“Well, it looks like you’ve done well.”

She regarded the apartment like it was a trophy. “I guess you could say that. I’m not supposed to know this, but I think that I might be making partner at my law firm. That’s half of what this dinner is all about, me counting my chickens before they hatch.”

“And the other half?”

“You! I didn’t know if my brother would ever fall for someone, he’s so guarded. So this is a huge deal. It’s been ages since my brother dated anyone that isn’t an asshole.”

“Yeah, he told me.” The atmosphere changed and Becca’s natural warmth seemed to fade. “You don’t have anything to worry about from me. I would never do anything to hurt your brother.”

“I know you won’t Steve, because if you did I would kill you without thought.” There was a silence that settled between them like smog, thick and unbreathable. Until Becca broke her glare and smiled with radiance. “Alright, now I’m done with my protective older sister speech.”

“Good, I was beginning to sweat. I get why they’re making you a partner, you’re pretty intimidating.”

She shrugged his discomfort off. “I have to be. The big bads don’t think that a woman half their size can do any damage, so I learned that looks can kill just as well as a iron pipe.”

“Would you stop talking to my boyfriend about your creepy ass cases and come over here and have fucking dinner.” Bucky had set the table at record time, mostly to save his boyfriend from being picked apart by an overprotective vulture.

“No swearing at the dinner table!” Their host scolded.

“No one is sitting at the dinner table so I can swear all I want to. Take a seat if you want to stop me.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose with a heavy sigh. “Divorce him now, Steve. He isn’t worth the headaches.”

“I’m a delight to be around.” He yelled back at her. “Now get over here or I’m going to eat all of this by myself.”

Becca stood up and smoothed her clothes out and held her hand out for Steve to take. “We better go, he isn’t lying.”

They took their places at the table. Rebecca had once again outdone herself with the meal that was provided; she would easily have leftovers for the rest of the week.

“You didn’t need to go out of your way Becca, a something simple would have been fine.” Bucky knew that arguing with her about this was pointless. She loved to cook it helped her relax, always had.

“It wasn’t any trouble, besides you need some meat on your bones, and Steve looks like he needs two-thousand calories a meal with all of those muscles. Seriously, you must workout all day.”

She wasn’t wrong. Working out was kind of stress relieving for Steve. The order, the repetition, it was familiar. If there was anything that he missed about the army it would have been the schedule that had worked it’s way into his bones. Life was almost too messy without it.

“Steve?” Bucky’s soft voice is a light in the fog. “Babe, are you okay?”

Almost too frantically, Steve nodded. “Yeah, I just got, uh, lost in thought. Sorry about that.”

The warmth in Becca’s smile was genuine, but there was still the slightest bit of pity behind that warmth. There was in every pair of eyes he had seen. He even caught Bucky staring a few times, worry and pity both mixed together like they normally were.

“Don’t worry about it, honestly.” Becca assured before the table fell silent and the air felt heavy. “I heard that you served in the army, how long have you been back?”

Shit, he hated these questions. “Almost three years now.”

“You must have been pretty young when you joined.”

“I was. Actually, I was so fixated on joining that I lied on around five different recruitment forms. If nobody had stopped me and taken me in I probably would have been arrested for lying to the government.”

Bucky uncorked a bottle of wine and poured Steve a much needed glass. “In fact if it hadn’t been for my trainer I would still be the size of a toothpick right now.”

“It’s incredible what the human body can do. Tell me, who’s your trainer? Because if he can do half of what you said he could do then I would love to meet him.”

“He died just before I got shipped out. Mugged on his way home from a stupid party some of my friend’s threw for my last day before in the States.” He took a long drink from his glass. Fuck, he was getting emotional in front of his boyfriend’s sister.

“I’m thinking of starting up a charity concert.” Bucky spoke suddenly and effectively pulled all eyes towards himself. Once he had successfully gathered all attention to himself he soon realized he had no idea what to say.

“I mean it’s still in the development stage, but it’s looking like more of a possibility everyday.”

The information took a moment to sink in for the host and her other guest, do to how unprompted the bombshell of information was. But Rebecca was always quick on the uptake.

“That’s great Bucky. What are you raising money for?”

“At the concert a representative from the school district told me that they were facing budget cuts. And, that if they couldn’t get a lot of money before the next school year, they were gonna have to cut back on the music programs in three-quarters of their schools. She was probably just looking for a donation, but I told her I’d do one better and host a charity concert for the district.”

This had happened at the concert? But that was a few nights ago, Steve had no idea how he was just hearing about this now.

“Buck, why didn’t you say anything”

“Yeah Bucky Bear, why not tell us?”

“I’ve had a lot of things on my mind in the past few days.” Becca gave her brother an inquisitive look while Steve grew les shocked and more understanding. “You know with the previous concert and moving into Steve’s.”

“Right, sorry.” She didn’t look completely convinced, but then again she never did. Bucky attributed that to her job.

“It doesn’t matter, what matters is that these kids keep their music program. Even if that means that I have to make small talk with a bunch of millionaires.” He complained, but his pride was easily readable.

“Poor you, I would do anything to meet the kind of people who can throw a couple thousand at a good cause. I bet that instead of blood they just bleed liquid gold.”

“You just say that because you’ve never had to hold a conversation with someone like that. Trust me, those people might have fancy clothes and shit on golden toilets, but they know anything outside of their cushy lives. Trying to have a conversation with one of them is like making first contact with alien like.”

“You know,” Steve said in between bites. “Technically you are rich too. Does that mean you use a golden toilet?”

“Alight, new line of conversation, Steve ruined the old one.” He glared at his boyfriend who 

“How about I tell our lovely guest about your first ever recital, back when you were the tender age of five?”

“Please don’t,” Bucky groaned.

“Well now I need to hear this if just the thought of it makes Bucky blush.” Steve released in the way Bucky’s face reddened.

“Both of you are horrible people.” Bucky motioned at both of them with his wine glass before downing it. “Look at what you made me do, I’m going to get drunk soon at this rate.”

Becca filled up his wine glass. “Good, you’re more fun when you’re tipsy. Now as I was saying, it was 1996 and Bucky Bear was at his first recital.”

* * *

 

Nearly an hour later Bucky and Steve found themselves stumbling out of Becca’s apartment. Both had a slight buzz so she kept the keys to Steve’s motorcycle leaving them to walk home. Steve had wondered Bucky would be okay with the walk, because of their current situation, but luckily they lived close enough that it was just a short ride of the subway until they were back in their neighborhood.

Only a few blocks from their apartment Bucky felt his phone vibrate. He checked his message and was surprised to see that Natasha was texting him so late. 

“Nat and Sam are at the Howling Commando’s and want to know if we can stop by.” He showed Steve the message. “Should we go?”

Steve checked his watch it was closing in on midnight. “It’s kind of late, but I’m good to go if you want to. It feels like forever since I’ve seen them.”

“Then let's go.” Steve gave Bucky a silent ‘are you sure’ look which made Bucky roll his eyes. “I’m not going to let that creep ruin my life Steve, not again. If I want to go out and have a beer with some friends then I damn well will.”

Bucky seemed to be a few inches taller and walker with more confidence; Steve wasn’t sure if it was just a figment of his imagination or not.

“You’re really amazing, you know that?” He gave Bucky a quick kiss before pointing at his phone. “Text Nat and tell her we’ll be there in five minutes.”

Bucky beamed up at him. He sent the quick text and within the next few minutes they both arrived at the Howling Commando’s bar to see Sam and Nat sitting in the corner booth.

“Well if it isn’t Captain America!” Sam yelled, raising a beer in mock tribute. “We saved your special booth for ya Cap.”

Everyday Steve hated that nickname a little more. “Are you already drunk Sam? I’m hurt that you didn’t wait for us to get here.”

“I would get drunk before you either way. Mr.Barnes,” he pointed a finger at Bucky as he slid into the booth. “You're dating such a freak of nature. I’ve never seen this man get drunk. He has the metabolism of twenty ox. Wait, Nat do Ox have good immune systems?”

She was clearly less tippy than him, her cheeks were barely flushed. “I have no idea. Do I look like Siri to you?” After downing the rest of her vodka she turned her attention to Bucky. “So Yasha, how are things?”

“They’re fine. I’ve decided to start a charity concert for the local high schools.”

“Yasha?” Steve asked before Natasha and Sam could respond to Bucky’s news. “What does that mean?”

Nat looked extremely disinterested. “It’s just a nickname that I made up for him since he hates James and I refuse to call him Bucky.”

“Bucky is a great nickname.” Bucky defended making Natasha snort.

“Sure if you’re ten. I’ll stick to Yasha, thank you very much. Now what was this about a charity concert?”

Bucky gave them the cliff notes of his exchange with the lady from the school district and his decision to make an effort to keep the music programs up. “I was also thinking of maybe having someone to accompany me.”

Steve was too busy looking at his drink to notice that everyone was staring at him. “What? Wait, you want me to solo with you?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

Steve’s stomach knotted together. “I’m flattered Buck, but I don’t think that’s a great idea. I’m not a huge fan of the idea for playing so exposed to everyone.”

Bucky deflated slightly, but he recovered quickly. “I’m sorry, I should have remembered that. Sorry for putting you on the spot like that.”

“It’s fine Buck. Thank you for thinking of me though.”

Bucky nodded and they were dropped into an awkward silence before Dum Dum walked over to save everyone. “How is the best couple in Brooklyn?”

“We’re doing fine Dum Dum. How’s the business, the place seems pretty dead tonight.” Even though it was pretty late it was a Friday night there should be more people than just them and the few people at the bar.

“Yeah, it’s that damn Hydra bar again. They just hired a new bartender who’s a big charmer, been stealing all my customers away.”

“More charming than you?” Nat asked with a raised eyebrow. “How’s that possible?”

“You’ve got me Romanoff. But apparently this asshole is a real people’s man, can just tell what you want him to say and says it.”

“How Gatsby of him.” Bucky noted making Dum Dum beam at him.

“Looks like we have a literary buff over here. You get a drink on the house for having class,” he said handing Bucky a second glass of vodka that Nat had ordered for him. “I’m trying to remember the guy's name but it’s escaping me. It’s Brock something.”

Bucky froze. “Brock Rumlow?”

Dum Dum snapped his fingers. “That’s it, wait, do you know him?”

He nodded and downed the glass of vodka relishing in the way it burned as it traveled down his throat. “Yeah, you could say that. Nat wanna go out and do a smoke?”

She didn’t have to be asked twice, recognizing the cigarette break for what it was. A chance for him to gather his thoughts. So she grabbed a pack out of her purse with her black and red lighter before they headed out.

“Something I said?” Dum Dum asked watching Nat and Bucky leave.

Steve ran a hand through his hair. “It’s not you Dum Dum, Bucky just has some history with the new Hydra bartender.”

Dum Dum hummed his understanding, still watching the door Bucky and Nat exited from. “That was given. Should I be keeping tabs on this guy for you guys?”

“Could you actually?” Steve felt like he was begging and the look on Dum Dum’s face told him that he might now be wrong about that.

“Yeah, of course. Anything for my favorite customers.” With that he went back to the bar.

“I didn’t know Bucky smoked.” Sam said. He was watching both Natasha and Bucky through the fogged class.

“He only does it when he’s stressed out or scared. He’s been both of those a lot for the past few days.”

Sam nodded. “But it seems like things between you two are going good. I for one have never seen you this happy.”

Even through his worry Steve could feel his cheeks heat up. “I really love him Sam. After Peggy and the war with everything else that’s happened lately, I never thought I would get here.”

“Now you two are living together, admittedly not under the best circumstances. But in fairness it seemed like this was bound to happen sooner rather than later anyways.”

Steve nodded. “We had talked about it a few times before, but we were at least going to wait until his lease was up. Even though we got to this point through less than ideal circumstances we make it work. He feels safe there, so what more can I ask for?”

Sam raised his glass to that and took another drink. “Probably a bigger apartment now that you two are living together.”

“Yeah, I wish there was more room. If anything so I could get his piano in there so he could play on something better than my shitty little electric one.” The piano was a baby grand that fit well into Bucky’s apartment, but was just slightly too big for Steve’s. He could tell how much he missed playing on an instrument that resonated rather than just blared sound at him.

“Yeah that does suck,” his voice was starting to slur, “but what can you do? It’s not like you’re just going to move everything in your apartment and then pay hundreds to move the damn thing?”

Even drunk Sam was the best person he knew. “That’s exactly what I’ll do.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I’ll do it for his birthday and a celebration present for his charity concert, it’s perfect!” He downed his pint. Finally he felt like he was doing something really productive with the shit situation they were in.

Finally things were falling into place.

* * *

 

“Everything is falling apart, Nat.” Bucky took a long drag before blowing the smoke into the night. Focusing on how the smoke traveled down his throat and how the nicotine traveled to his brain calmed him. Every therapist he ever had told him that staying mindful of the present helped deal with anxiety from looking to hard at the past. But times like now it was harder to remember.

“So what if Brock is the bartender at Hydra, big deal. We’ll boycott the place like we have been since it opened.” She blew out some smoke.

“It’s all that matters. He has a job, a job means that he’s planning on staying so long that he needs a source of income. The longer he stays the longer I have to feel like the world is closing in on me.” His hands were shaking when he brought the cigarette was brought back to his mouth.

Natasha eyed him carefully. “How are you doing right now Yasha?”

He actually laughed at her. “What kind of question is that? I’m doing shitty, which I thought was pretty fucking obvious.”

“I’m trying to help, there’s no need to act like a dick.”

He ran his hand over his face. “I’m sorry, Nat. I’ve been getting short with people a lot lately, but that wasn’t fair to you. The thing is that I haven’t been sleeping. Everytime I close my eyes I see him, even when I’m awake he’s always there in my mind.”

He flicked ash at the ground admiring how the bright red glow faded before it even hit the ground. Another drag and he repeated the process.

“You know what?” He asked watching the burning embers lose it’s spark. “When I first went here with Steve we sat in that corner booth and I made some bullshit reasoning behind why he chose that booth. But I think that I’m just now beginning to really understand why he does what he does.”

Nat dropped her cigarette on the ground and snubbed it out with her shoe. “Whatever it is we can handle it.”

He didn’t seem to pay attention to her. “It’s not just the fear of seeing Brock around every corner, he got into my building, my apartment! If Steve hadn’t been there-”

“He was.” Nat grabbed his arm to gain his attention. “Steve was there, and when he called so was Sam and I. That douche could be a fucking bodybuilder for all I care, but he is not getting through us.”

Bucky threw his cigarette down and crushed it with his heel. “That’s all good for one month, or three, even six. Eventually I’m going to be on my own one day, and then it’s over. You three can’t be with me every second for the rest of my life. All he has to do is be patient, and trust me he can do that.”

It’s hard to explain two broken bones happening within a week of eachother, patience was important. That was when Brock rebuilt the relationship and twisted Bucky’s mind. After a year Bucky wasn’t sure which was worse.

“That’s what the restraining order was for, an insurance plan.”

He laughed at the plan that had seemed like a saving grace a few days ago. When he was high on adrenaline and terrified out of his mind it felt like a possibility. Now it didn’t seem like anything more than tying a steak around his neck while hunting a hungry wolf.

“I know that right now it’s hard to see the upside in any of this right now. But you need to focus on the things that matter right now, the things that asshole can’t touch. You have a boyfriend who would take a bullet for you, a successful career, the best friend anyone could ask for, and a district full of kids who need their clarinet lessons. Don’t focus on the fear, focus on the anger. Use it to fuel you in making that fucker miserable as he watches you have a great life without him.”

Even after a few drinks Natasha was still the smartest of them all. He hugged her even though she told him never to do that, he knew she was just trying to keep up her reputation as a badass and loved the contact. Or that was just what he liked to tell himself, either way she was pushing him off with a smile on her face in seconds.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her back into the bar. “Let’s go back in before those two lightweights get completely shitfaced.”


	7. Chapter 7

A few months went by without any sign of Brock and something like a normal routine started to form. They would wake up and make breakfast before Steve had to leave for a rehearsal with the orchestra whenever a concert neared. When he was gone Bucky would lock the doors and spend the day planning his charity concert from the comfort of their apartment. Around four Steve would be back and they would catch up on their days and decide where to go for dinner, which was becoming the only times Bucky left the safety of his home for the outside world.

Sometimes Sam would stop by in the middle of the day to keep him company or drag him outside. The two of them had a strange relationship that to a stranger would seem confrontational and rude, but that was just how the two operated. Sarcasm seemed to fuel their relationship and there was no end in sight.

Natasha he saw less frequently due to her rehearsal time and whatever she did when she was alone. She usually came with updates from Dum Dum about Brock, most of which was just repeated news that he continued to work for Hydra. 

Now with the restraining orders against Brock finally getting put through there was a newly found sense of hope that clung to the air that did little to improve Bucky’s move as he found himself hovering between finding the plan good and dangerous. He tried to focus on other things instead.

Sometimes he wished those things were a bit more pleasant though.

The charity concert was little over a month away and his accompanist just bailed on him due to family issues. Bucky had just got off the phone after the fifth cellist he had called begging to fill in, all of them declined politely. He almost threw his phone across the room in frustration, but instead grabbed a pillow last minute. Just as the door to the apartment opened and Steve entered, the pillow smacked against the wall next to his head.

Looking from the pillow and Bucky, Steve could tell that his boyfriend was not in a great mood. “Bad day?”

“My accompanist cancelled and no one else is willing to learn a piece and prepare to perform it in a month. So yeah, you could say I’m having a bad day.” The biting tone was forgiven and ignored by Steve. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be yelling at you. I’m just pissy right now.”

“I know you aren’t mad at me, but maybe you should take a break from the preparing the concert. You know, take the time to smell the roses.”

“I would love to, but unless this gets fixed like a month ago I won’t be able to.” He began scrolling through his phone looking for someone he could call to fill in the missing role.

Steve wasn’t sure who would be more surprised with what he said next, it would be a close call either way. “I can fill in.”

Bucky stopped. He put his phone down and watched Steve closely, looking for any signs of wavering confidence or fear. There wouldn’t be any, none that he would show.

“You don’t have to do this Steve. I can find someone who can learn the parts and fill in, it’s not a problem.”

“I already know all the parts from helping you practice, it makes sense.”

“I know you don’t like the spotlight Stevie. I don’t want to force you into something that makes you uncomfortable.”

“You wouldn’t be.” He didn’t look convinced. “Yeah, I’m terrified to do this. I won’t lie to you about that, but this something that’s been a long time coming.

Bucky nearly tackled him to the ground with the force of his hug. He kissed Steve on the forehead, lips, cheek all while repeating ‘I love you’ over and over.

“If there is anyone that I have to do this with.” Steve brushed a loose strand of hair from Bucky’s face to get a clear view of his eyes. “I’m glad that it’s you.”

His boyfriend hugged him again, burying his face into the crook of Steve’s neck. “You are so getting laid tonight.” He whispered.

Steve laughed with his entire body, almost falling over. “I love you.”

“I love you too, til the end of the line.”

“Til the end of the line.”

Everything stopped for a minute, they embraced it because the next month would hold no relaxment for them. But at least they had this moment in time. If they wanted to they could have kept themselves in that embrace for the rest of their lives.

That didn’t seem too bad.

Of course the following month was rollercoaster of meeting following practice, which left very little time for any social life between the both of them. Somehow they found little ways to make it work though. Whether it be waking up early to have breakfast together, or staying up late to watch more Food Network shows now that Bucky was obsessed. 

In all that last month before the concert went off without any speed bumps. Brock hadn’t made an appearance since he had first announced his presence, and things were beginning to relax with their restraining orders now in place.

Everything seemed to be going well for them; with Bucky’s concert making headlines and drawing a very wealthy audience- thanks to Pepper and Tony, and Steve had made the arrangements to have Bucky’s piano moved during the concert so it would be prepared when they got back.

The only thing left to fear was the concert, and then there was nothing. No plans or ideas, just whatever life threw at them. For the first time in a while they both allowed themselves to be optimistic.

All there was between them and the rest of their lives was a single concert.

* * *

 

“I would like to announce that, thanks to all of your generous donations, we have raised over a hundred-thousand dollars for local high school music programs.” Bucky paused for the rush of polite applause. “I would like to thank my lovely boyfriend, and accompanist Steve Rogers. Without him the concert would not have been possible. Now there is an open bar so please, drink as much as you want cabs are only a call away.”

Dignified laughter rang softly for a few seconds before the dull chatter of small talk between donors acted like a blanket over the room.

Bucky was shining in his accomplishment, watching as the amount of donations increased. It was everythings that he had dreamed of and more. The highlight of it all seeing Steve perform and now smiling comfortably as the guests gathered around and praised him. For a minute everything was perfect, if only that minute were longer.

He was searching for Steve when he was suddenly stopped by a hand on his arm.

“Lovely performance tonight, James. I got all misty eyed.” Brock ground out making shivers chase down Bucky’s spine. A pull on his arm led him across the room; his heart began to race and he tried to pull away only to have the grip substantially tightened. “Don’t do anything stupid now James I just want to talk to you.”

“You want to talk? Fine, let’s go find Steve and talk.”

Brock made a disapproving ticking noise. “We need some time away from Mr. Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes, don’t you think? All the things that we’ll have to talk about, all the catching up we need to do. Don’t go making a fuss now, wouldn’t want to ruin such a wonderful night by making a commotion.”

There wasn’t a way to comprehend how much Bucky wanted to punch Brock in his smug face, or better yet find Steve. But he was frozen, unable to call for help or even leave Brock’s grip. Instead he followed, dread in every step.

He was led up to the roof of orchestra hall. Brock finally let go of his arm which gave Bucky a new sense of agency. It was as though his mind had been frozen from the second Brock laid a finger on him, and now that he was free of his grip his mind had returned.

“I want you to leave.” His voice didn’t shake, but the rest of his body was vibrating. “If you leave right now, I won’t call the police. Please, Brock, just go.”

“Come on babe how long are we going to keep playing these games. Why don’t you just come home James? I haven’t heard from you in over a year, and you were near impossible to get a hold off on your little tour thing, if I didn’t have someone keeping an eye on your sister here I never would have found you.”

Bucky’s stomach fell through the floor. “You’ve been spying on my sister?”

“I wouldn’t have had to if you hadn’t run away. Can’t you see James, none of this would have happened if you hadn’t run off like that.” Bucky shook his head vehemently, it wasn’t his fault. “Come on James, don’t start that. We have one small misunderstanding and the next thing I know you get a restraining order and you’re going from country to country.”

“It wasn’t a misunderstanding Brock, almost killing me isn’t a misunderstanding!” It took longer than Bucky wanted to admit for him to come to terms with what happened that night. The drinking, Brock’s rage expressed through his fists and words. Becca was the one that convinced him to get a restraining order on Brock over the hospital’s private line, as Bucky’s cell was broken from the fight. Now after a year he had finally found his agency again; and Brock was here to ruin it.

He needed an out. Reaching for his phone, without making it obvious that he was grabbing for his phones, he used muscle memory to get into messages and what was any of his recently messaged contacts. Hopefully the message would get through to either his sister, Sam, Natasha, or Steve. He really needed Steve.

* * *

 

Steve was looking high and low for his boyfriend. After being bounced around between guests and friends he had lost track of his lover in the swarm of people. It was a circus of finery filled with fake smiles and Steve needed an out. But his boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

An arm grabbed his sleeve and a spirit of hope flushed through him. Bucky was always sneaky so of course he would sneak up on him. Instead he was greeted by the face of a terrified looking Rebecca Barnes.

“Steve, where’s Bucky?” Her once perfectly curled hair was now in a disarray. She looked to be on the verge of tears, only keeping them in on pure stubbornness. Something that Steve has always admired about the Barnes as much as it made him pity them. That they have grown so used to tears as to have claimed their dominance over them.

“Becca, what happened.” He wasn’t answered with anything other than her phone being shoved in his face. The two words of Bucky’s text to her brought a knife to his heart.

_ Brock. Help. _

“I got it less than a minute ago. I ran into Natasha and before you, but they said that they hadn’t seen him for almost ten minutes. They went to go ask around, but Steve what if Brock got back in his head. I can’t lose my baby brother to this monster again. I refuse to.”

Steve pulled Rebecca in for a hug, not for long though. It didn’t last long before he pulled away and looked her dead in the eye. “You won’t have to. I’m going to find him and beat the shit of Brock myself if he laid a finger on our Bucky. Call the police, an ambulance, hell get a SWAT team here.”

A SWAT team was probably the only thing that could stop him from turning Brock into a pile of broken bones and pity.

* * *

 

“Jesus, you think I would actually kill you James? You didn’t come home on time and got a little out of hand. I was just scared for you; you know how easy you can drive me crazy.” Brock was starting to come unhinged. He was pacing back and forth in front of the only exit, leaving Bucky trapped.

Maybe he should send another message? He was to nervous to add in the final word  _ Roof.  _ But Brock was so distracted he might not notice. Even if he was caught at least then Steve, or someone, could come and help him. He had to try.

“I should have never let you go, James. Whenever I came home, no matter how much of a dick Mr.Pierce was that day you would always be there.” Brock stopped, his eyes focusing on Bucky’s hand that was behind his back trying to send the message. “What are you doing?”

Shit. Brock advanced like a deranged predator; Bucky backed up until he ran into the edge of the roof. Brock grabbed Bucky’s left arm and yanked it in between them, seeing the phone brought fire to his eyes. 

“The hell is this!” He shook Bucky’s arm so hard that the phone slipped from his fingers and crashed on the ground. “Who were you messaging? Was it that blond piece of shit you think you love more than me? Do I need to find him and give him a lesson on what happens when you mess around with another guy’s man?”

“Don’t you dare lay a finger on him.” The fear was gone, replaced with the purest rage Bucky had ever experienced. “It’s over Brock, has been for a long time. I’m not the same person I first met you; or when I left.” He tried pulling his arm away but was only pulled closer.

“You are the same, although maybe you’ve forgotten. But none of that matters anymore, we’ll be home soon.” He pulled on Bucky, keeping their distance minimal.

“NO!” Bucky cried as he attempted to pull his arm out of Brock’s grip. This was it. Either he ran away or fell back under the control of Brock, that was his ultimatum. 

Except there was no ultimatum involved in this decision; Bucky had to run. Brock worked private security and had about fifty pounds of pure muscle on him, so fighting was out of the question. Running away was the only option that he had. There was no time to think. Bucky dug his heels into the ground and pulled against Brock’s grip. Expletives were thrown at him and the pressure on his wrist caused the bones to grind and fracture as he twisted and pulled his wrist free. He was so focused and scared out of his mind that he didn’t hear the door to the roof open, he heard nothing but a sudden yell.

“BUCKY!” Steve’s voice, his wonderful, beautiful voice was just out of his grasp. Blue eyes found his and connected for a moment in time. The safety he found in his boyfriend’s eyes was short lived as the shock of Steve’s entrance was in unison with Bucky’s efforts to rid himself of Brock’s poisonous touch.

Because in that one moment his backwards momentum combined with the shock loosened hold on his wrist he slipped free.

James Buchanan Barnes was weightless.

* * *

 

Watching Bucky fall was getting his heart ripped into pieces in slow motion. It happened all at once and in fragmented time like waiting for a the second hand to move on a broken clock.

Steve had looked everywhere in that god damned building for Bucky until he finally checked the roof; what he saw made his blood boil. Brock had the same look in his eye from when they first met. A predator narrowing in on his prey. But Bucky wasn’t willing to play the part of willing prey, he fought while Brock cursed at him. He wouldn't last against Brock though, not when he had half of the muscle mass that he needed to make the playing field even.

He screamed Bucky’s name on instinct; they connected eyes. Then Bucky’s wrist slipped out of Brock’s claw and he stumbled back, knees hitting the small barrier at the edge of the roof he fell back. The scream that his boyfriend made before his beautiful life was taken away from him would most likely haunt Steve until he met Bucky again in whatever

Autopilot took over his body and he ran over to the ledge. He was too far away and it was too dark to see much more than an outline of Bucky’s body lying on the street below, broken and alone. A fire escape was not far away and he headed it towards it when an arm planted on his.

“You son of a-” Brock never got to finish because Steve tried to break his jaw with a furious punch that was just barely dodged. “You aren’t the only one who loves him! I was with him first, and now because of you he’s dead. You killed him! YOU KILLED HIM!”

A punch was thrown in Steve’s direction. Steve grabbed the flailing arm and used Brock’s momentum to throw him on the ground face first. “You don’t love him. I bet you’ve never known any form of love in your repulsive life.” He sneered at Brock when he turned around, blood covering his face. “You know what? There isn’t anything I want more right now than to beat you until I can’t raise my arms anymore, and you deserve it. But, I won’t. I can’t because Bucky made promise not to. Because that is the person James Buchanan Barnes is, and you killed him. Think about that.”

Security showed up pretty quickly after that to take Brock away. As soon as Brock was in handcuffs Steve ran as fast as he could to the fire escape and climbed down. He almost tripped and fell a few times himself as his entire body shook so hard he had trouble staying on his feet. He jumped down the last flight of stairs, the pain of hitting the ground from that distance was enough to make him cry for Bucky.

He should have took better care of him.

Bucky’s body was now only a few feet ahead of him, lying on his back spread out awkwardly. A small bird fallen out of its nest was the only to describe the sight in front of Steve. All the innocence and wonder snuffed out on the cold parking lot.

A broken sob rushed through Steve and his legs worked without him to close the gap between the two lovers, before collapsing on the ground leaving the once strong man lying on the ground next to the broken pianist who had suffered far more in life than he had deserved to. His eyes fell immediately on the bloody mess that was his left arm; Bucky must have tried to break his fall and instead wreaked havoc on his limb.

“Oh god. No, please god, don’t do this to him.” Nothing happened. “We just got started, please, no.”

Steve grabbed whatever he could to ground himself to Bucky. One hand resting over newly cut hair that was wet with blood, the other holding a fistful of the once pure white, now spotted red, dress shirt. He could feel the old dog tags that he gave Bucky under the shirt and cried harder. Those tags were supposed to be a promise of protection and now Bucky was dead under him.

From behind his back Steve heard the second worse sound that he would never forget. The pained scream of Rebecca Barnes who had been waiting on the other side of the building for the police and ran over to see what the commotion was. Guttural and pained was the screech that possessed more power than anyone as small as she was didn’t deserve to have.

She was as her brothers side in an instant. Unsure where to touch her brother she settled for ghosting her fingers over his brow. Soon her and the broken soldier were crying with the same power. United by grief she threw arms around Steve and they clung together and sobbed.

Steve was probably crushing poor Rebacca under his incredible strength, but she was doing her damndest to smother him as well. She sobbed openly on his shoulder shaking both of their bodies with the power of her grief.

Around then Sam and Natasha found them. Natasha stopped in her tracks a fair distance away, the look of stun foreign on her normally well controlled face. Sam halted by her side for a moment before making the rest of the journey over and grabbing one of Bucky’s wrists and putting an ear over Bucky’s mouth.

“Holy shit, he’s alive!”


	8. Chapter 8

Steve’s hands were covered in blood.

Blood was caked under his nails and crusted on his skin making a horrifying painting that spread from the tips of his arms almost up to the crook of his elbow. He couldn’t look away; he had already tried many times.

A strange sense of numbness had burrowed deep into his bones and fuzzed his mind. At some point Sam and Natasha had showed up and attempted to take him home for a shower to clean the red off of him. There wasn’t any way he could go back to the apartment though, there was too much Bucky in that small apartment. After a while they Natasha left to get him a change of clothes, while Sam tried his best to comfort Steve.

“Man you have to at least was off the blood. There are kids here, Steve. Just go to the bathroom down the hall I promise nothing is going to happen while you’re gone. If something does I’ll get you.” Steve was only half listening to Sam’s plea. “You can’t do anything right now other than make sure that you’re as handsome as possible when you see your boy.”

Would he? Sure Bucky was still alive when they got him to the ambulance, but it was a near thing. Rebecca was the only one who was allowed to go with Bucky, and no doctor would reveal any information worth while. All Steve wanted to do was see Bucky’s face. Maybe he didn’t deserve too.

“Come on, let’s go find a bathroom.” Sam pulled Steve out of the chair he had spent the better part of the night in. 

With the help of a nurse who took pity on Steve’s sorry state, Sam found the bathroom quickly and led Steve inside. Harsh lighting casted their shadows on the white floor. Luckily, the bathroom was empty as Steve in his current state was a scary sight.

“Get cleaned up, I’m going to be right outside if you need me.” He then left Steve to give him some privacy.

Steve was too caught up in his reflection be concerned with what Sam was saying. No post-nightmare sweat-covered clothes and crazed hair could compare to how unkempt he looked. Dark circles were pronounced, hair in crazy angles with blood acting like hair gel, bloodshot eyes stared him down. He’d never seen anyone look so scared.

He ripped off his suit jacket and turned the water on the hottest he could handle then a little hotter. There wasn’t enough soap in the world the get the blood off his hands, because even if his skin was wiped clean he would still be able to see Bucky’s blood staining his skin. He scrubbed and kept scrubbing until he sobbed and fell to the floor.

He cried until he didn’t know what time it was anymore and had to check his phone. When he did his heart seemed to break all over again.

On bright screen was the image of Bucky sitting at the window seat all those months ago. Back when life was a lot more complicated, not that he was complaining. Even with all the ups and downs of his relationship with Bucky there wasn’t a moment he would trade or forget. Instead he unlocked his phone to a photo that Bucky had taken when Steve wasn’t looking of him laying on the ground with a wide smile. God, he must have taken about a thousand selfies that day and Steve hadn’t deleted one of them.

Unable to stop himself, Steve went into his photos and clicked on the latest one taken. Him and Bucky kissing backstage before the concert started, Natasha was too sneaky for her own good. The next were mostly photos Bucky had taken every time Steve left his phone unattended for more than a minute, all of them equally ridiculous. He came up to a video with Bucky that he didn’t remember making; he pressed play.

Bucky smiled at the camera, he was sitting at the concert halls piano with rosey cheeks and a relaxed smile. It must have been from the day that he had stepped out to go get them all coffee because they looked a little more than drunk. _ “You’re going to be in so much trouble for this.” _

_ “Of course I won’t be.” _ Natasha, and of course it was Natasha, said slyly.  _ “Are you kidding me? Your boy toy can’t be mad at me, he loves me. Plus after he sees this sappy shit he will be to busy jumping your bones to be angry at me. I’ll probably get a high five.” _

_ “Don’t call him my boy toy, and please don’t talk about any of my bones.” _

_ “I will talk about your bones as much as I want to.” _

_ “This is why you don’t take shots and start recording things you know? I blame you for whatever happens during the next few minutes.” _

_ “Shut up and be charming.” _

_ “Alright, alright.”  _ He sobered his expression and looked straight at the camera lens making Steve freeze.  _ “Steve, our concert is in less than a week and for the life of me I haven’t been able to find a way to tell you how much everything you have done for this concert and me means. You know what I’ve been thru and you never left my side even though it would have been pretty damn easy to walk away. You never knew how to walk away from a fight, did you? _

_ “You mean so damn much to me Steve. I never thought that I would be able to find someone who I could trust the way I trust you again, but you would not relent. You saved me from myself and I’m not good enough at speeches to tell you how much that means to me, as evident from the last time I tried to serenade you. You can tell I’m nervous because I won’t start rambling. Anyways, Steve, I am a little drunk, but I’m also crazy in love with you. Hopefully the band Sleeping at Last can portray that better than I can. Thanks for never giving up on me, this one's for you, babe.” _

Steve wasn’t familiar with the song that Bucky had chosen to play, but it struck a chord in him. The song wasn’t necessarily sad, yet he found tears rolling down his face silently as he watched the love of his life pour his heart and soul into a song for him. That much heart couldn’t be taken away with such unnecessary violence. Because violence was just violence, what they had was stronger. Steve had to believe in that because if he didn’t Bucky’s song meant nothing.

Eventually the song ended and Steve didn’t even notice that he was smiling again even as tears dripped down his face.

_ “How was that?” _

_ “So cheesy I want to throw up.” _

_ “I’m in love so you just keep your cynicism to yourself. And if you’re so disgusted then why are you crying?” _

_ “Shut up Barnes! These are tears of pain for you making me video your gross displays of love, not even the fun and sexy kind.” _

_ “You’re disgusting.” _ There was a sudden clang of a door and Steve could hear his own voice calling out. 

The last thing that Steve saw of the video was Bucky running towards the camera whispering.  _ “Turn it off, turn it off!”  _ Before the video before the screen cut to black.

Bucky wasn’t even here and he was still finding ways to take care of Steve.

* * *

 

“I don’t understand.”

It had been nearly eight hours since Steve had last seen Bucky. He was considerably more put together than he was when he first arrived, thanks to the unyielding support from Sam and Natasha. He had been about to fall asleep in the small plastic chair in the waiting room when Rebecca made her first appearance since the accident, pale as a ghost and being escorted by the lead surgeon. Steve felt his world collapse around him for the hundredth time that night.

_ Bucky wasn’t… _

No, it was the next worse thing.

“When Mr.Barnes fell he must have tried to brace himself or cushion his fall. The result was an open fracture that cut off blood flow to his arm. We did everything that we could to save as much of his arm as we could, I’m very sorry.”

Steve looked to Becca for confirmation. She couldn’t even meet his eyes which was all the answer that Steve needed.

“There’s more I’m afraid. One of Mr.Barnes’ lungs collapsed and he has had difficulty breathing since he arrived. He’s been intubated and placed in a medically induced coma while he heals. Other than that there were a few more minor injuries along with a pretty nasty crack to the head. We won’t know what his cognitive functions will be like until we wake him up.

“Take some time to take all of this in, I know it is a lot of information. But I’m confident that he will recover. A nurse will bring you to him when he is has been settled into his room. If you have any questions I’ll be happy to answer them, just flag down a nurse and I’ll be on my way.”

A thanks was murmured and the two were left alone. Neither one knew what they could do next, how could they? Bucky was a pianist, he needed two hands to play his instrument. How does someone tell a man that he’s lost the one constant in his life?

“I didn’t even know Brock was in the country.” Becca’s voice was controlled and rough from crying.

“He didn’t want you to know.” That was all the comfort Steve could afford to give, it was pathetic really. “He didn’t want you to worry about him.”

She laughed like he had told her the funniest joke she had ever heard. “Not worry? Well that worked out really fucking well, because last I checked I’m standing in a hospital lobby trying to figure out how to tell my brother that he is never going to play the piano again. But at least I didn’t worry about Brock being back.”

“Becca,” Steve tried to reason with her but she cut him off.

“I am not done!” She yelled drawing all the eyes from every person nearby. “I could have helped! I know what that monster did to him in Russia, and now he’s done it again, except worse! If I had know I could have kept an eye on him tonight. If I had known my baby brother wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed right now half dead, and it’s all your fault!”

She punched at Steve like he was a human heavy bag, and he just took it. Even using all of her pent up rage and frustration her blows were still weakened from the adrenaline crash they were all going through. She couldn’t hurt him even. And when she was done he pulled her into his arms and let her soak his tee-shirt with tears.

It was so painfully obvious now that keeping Becca out of the loop was stupid, if anyone had the right to know it would have been her. Maybe things would have been different they had made the decision to tell her about Brock. But they didn’t. Now she was covered in her brother's blood with tears running down her pale face.

“I’m so sorry.” He rocked her slowly like a child. Tears of his own threatened to spill the longer they spent like this.

“He’s going to be okay, we’ll make him be okay.” 

Becca either didn’t want to or couldn’t look up at Steve, but he could see the loss of the optimism that seemed to be shared between the two siblings.

“I don’t believe you.”

* * *

 

It was a few minutes after that when the police came and started question Becca about Brock and why Bucky was up on that rooftop. Sam and Natasha had both left with promises to visit again in the morning. 

Now Steve was alone outside of Bucky’s door, unable to find the courage to open the damn thing. He was paralyzed with his hand hovering over the door handle, only a few inches away from the only person who mattered in his life. But he couldn’t do it. Now with Becca’s words still ringing loudly in his mind. Sam told him that she was just stressed and didn’t really mean any of it, but he knew there was some truth to everything she had said.

_ “We’ll make him be okay.” _

_ “I don’t believe you.” _

Becca, the eternal optimist, had seemingly lost hope. Steve didn’t know if he could handle seeing Bucky in a way that caused someone who loved him just as much as Steve did that much pain.

_ “Thanks for never giving up on me.” _

He could do this.

Steve opened the door. His heart dropped at the sight of Bucky laying motionless with lines of blood and medicine leading into his veins. The thin material the hospital supplied to protect his modesty fell flat over the space where his left arm was supposed to be.

Only his shoulder and a small portion of his bicep remained all wrapped up in white bandages that seemed a few shades darker then his skin from all the blood he had lost.

Bucky looked dead. The closer Steve got, the worse he looked. The tube down his throat was intrusive and looked uncomfortable. There were too many lines in his arm, and the room was too cold. Goosebumps were raised on his right arm, Steve wanted to pull up the blanket to keep him warm, but there were so many things attached to him that he was afraid he’d accidently pull one out.

His hand was ice when Steve grabbed it in his. A chair was pulled up next to the bed so he made himself comfortable. A lot of his time in the near future was probably going to be spent in that chair.

A loose strand of dark hair had fallen into Bucky’s face, and he brushed it aside. Instantly he was thrown back to all of the times he had done the same thing while lying in bed watching Bucky sleep peacefully. Normally he looked untouched by the world in his slumber, but now he didn’t look like anything other than a victim.

Becca was right, there wasn’t a lot of hope right now. But he had promised Bucky that he would be with him until the end of the line. And right now the end was nowhere in sight.

“I’m not giving up. I won’t go anywhere Bucky, not without you.”

It was three days after that when Bucky’s airway was secure and the tube down his throat was removed. Another three until he started showing signs of waking up again. The Doctors explained that Bucky had hit his head pretty badly on impact and that the injury might be keeping him from waking up. That kept Steve petrified, unable to leave the hospital room other than for short trips to the cafeteria.

Becca stayed as much as she could too, rarely leaving her brothers side. She wouldn’t look at Steve, not even a glance in his direction the whole six days. Also, her old smoking habit had returned with the stress of the past week. In that moment she was outside taking a drag with Natasha while Sam got them all something to eat.

So Steve was alone, waiting for Bucky to open his eyes again. His optimism was wearing thinner with every passing hour. He had been in a coma he knew how dangerous they were. Steve just had to believe that his Bucky could pull the same miracle he did. Preferably a bit sooner than he did.

He was reading some book that Sam had brought from his house as an attempt to keep his mind off of the shitty situation he was in. Unknowingly Sam actually brought one of Bucky’s favorite books and upon sight of the ripped and torn cover Steve burst out crying for the hundredth time. But now it just made him feel closer to Bucky. It was stupid, but reading one of his favorite books made Steve feel like he was connected to him somehow.

Just when the plot was starting to really kick off the heart rate monitor jumped. The steady noise had been like background noise to Steve and the sudden variation had brought his attention off the book and to blue eyes that stared right at him.

“Bucky!” He dropped the forgotten book to take his boyfriend’s warm hand. “Oh god, Bucky are you okay? I didn’t know if you were going to wake up.” Steve watched as Bucky regarded him with growing confusion. “Bucky, what’s wrong?”

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

* * *

 

“The doctors said that his head injury could have been a lot worse, everything considered we’re probably lucky that he just has amnesia.” Lucky was sure a word for having the most important person in your life not having an idea who you were. The confusion that border lined fear that Steve saw was sickening.

“Shit man,” Sam couldn’t say that he expected much more than that. He had seen the head wound, it was large, nasty, and didn’t inspire much hope. “He really didn’t remember you?”

“He didn’t even recognize Becca. It’s like he got a factory reset or something, he can still talk and remember what basic things are, but he lost everything that made him himself.”

They fell silent after that. It was near midnight when Sam finally got Steve out of the hospital to head home for a night. No one was out besides the odd drunk couple or night-time wander, all untouched by the tragedy he was facing. 

“You’re going to stay with him.”

Of course he was, he couldn’t leave Bucky behind. Not now, or ever. “I made a promise. Last thing I’m going to do is abandon him now.”

“Didn’t think you would. So, where do we start?”

Steve went home, that was the start.

Some part of him thought that if Bucky just had a more comforting and familiar environment that his memories would just pop out. He hated being away from the hospital, but if anything could help he would do it.

But he found himself stopped in front of the doorway unable to take a step inside the apartment that had started out as his own but slowly morphed into theirs. He had completely forgotten, but here it was.

In front of the large windows overlooking the city that he and Bucky had spent so many hours looking out of when the other couldn’t sleep, or simply wanted to gaze into the night, was a piano. 

Steve didn’t notice when his keys slipped out of his hands, or when his legs started to move on their own accord bringing him closer and closer until he was less than a foot away.

Bucky would never play this piano again.

But here it was. Bucky’s heart and soul had been poured in this instrument every time he played it. More of the man that he loved was in this piano then his own mind.

He ran his hand over the black, shiney wood until he reached the keyboard. Middle C played out loud and sharp when he pressed on the white key. It was slightly out of tune, but it was still the same note he had heard a thousand times.

It was just something else he would have to remind how it once was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it said it would be nine chapters but I decided to make the last two into a single chapter because they were both shorter than normal. Also they were orignially going to be like this but I changed my mind and now i'm changing it again.


End file.
